INT. FRANCO'S -- BACKSTAGE -- EVENING TIFFANY (scream, to George) Sign it! GEORGE I'll give the kid fifty bucks. TIFFANY No, you'll pay for the tux rental, plus give Chad fifty dollars. If business does well for you and you want him back, you buy him a tux and we sign a contract for multiple shows at one hundred dollars a pop. Tiffany walks out of room. TIFFANY (to CHAD) I made him sign a contract for tonight, so he doesn't stiff us. You're making fifty bucks now instead of twenty, so I think it's time we discuss my manager's cut. Twenty percent. CHAD Tiffany, I'm still not breaking even. I can't afford to pay you yet because of the tux. TIFFANY No, you're making fifty, plus he's covering the tux rental. CHAD No way! That's terrific. You can keep the fifty dollars if you want, because I'm just so excited about breaking even. TIFFANY Chad, no. This is a business deal and I appreciate the offer, but I'm only asking for twenty percent. CHAD That's only what, five bucks? TIFFANY Ten bucks. CHAD Ten dollars for all the hard work you put into this? The negotiating, helping me find a tux, staying here through the show. TIFFANY You're so sweet and appreciative, Chad. I really see you becoming a star. You just have to promise you won't get jaded like some celebrities and wonder why twenty percent of their income is going straight to management. CHAD No, I don't think things will ever go sour like that. TIFFANY That's good, now put on a good show. If they like you, your fee is doubled next time. INT. RONNIE'S -- AFTERNOON TALENT COORDINATOR Well hey Chad. I didn't think I'd see you til Friday. CHAD I know. TALENT COORDINATOR What's up? CHAD I hate to say this, because I love working here. But after this Friday, I'm going to have to stop. I have the chance to tour with Martin Edwards one of the greats. My manager is trying to break my act this way. TALENT COORDINATOR Oh no, so you're leaving? CHAD For now. TALENT COORDINATOR Well let me know anytime you're in town and we'll book you. INT. CHAD AND BOBBY'S APT. -- EVENING CHAD Tiffany, this is Bobby, my roommate. TIFFANY Nice to meet you Bobby. BOBBY So this is who I've been heaving about. Tiffany this, Tiffany that. Wanna drink? Heineken? TIFFANY No, but thank you. CHAD I have some red wine. How about that? TIFFANY That's great. Chad and Tiffany exit to balcony outside apartment CHAD How big do you think this could be? TIFFANY Pretty big. I'm thinking Chris Rock, Steve Martin... CHAD A movie star? I don't really have the looks. TIFFANY You know what, I think you're kind of cute. CHAD Really? Actually I think things got off track here. I meant to ask you out on a date and you end up being my manager. I was going to ask you if you wanted things to be purely professional. (pause) TIFFANY Well... CHAD Cause I don't. I think you have the most glowing eyes. TIFFANY (smiles) Thank you. Tiffany moves to kiss Chad, while Bobby opens screen door. BOBBY Chad? CHAD Yeah? BOBBY Is TIFFANY staying the night? CHAD Uh (looks at Tiffany) I don't think so, no. Get out of here. Bobby smirks, then exits. CHAD He's an idiot. TIFFANY Listen, I'd better go, but (kisses Chad's forehead) I really like you. INT. AUDITORIUM -- EVENING CHAD Thank you St. Louis, you are awesome! cut to: CHAD Nashville, you rule! cut to: CHAD Atlanta rocks! Man I love you guys. The sound guy whispers to him inaudibly. CHAD It seems I forgot to tell my most popular joke. The crowd ROARS. cut to: ATLANTA COORDINATOR We're going to have to cancel the show. Martin's too drunk to go on. TIFFANY Are you kidding me? Martin's an old has-been who gets a couple of laughs from old fans who only remember him for who he was. You're going to put him on that stage tonight and give my client his money. ATLANTA COORDINATOR They'll feel cheated and the show will get bad reviews in Atlanta. We can't afford that. TIFFANY The audience won't feel cheated, because number one, they are only going to see Martin for who he was and number two, because Chad Buck just put on a memorable show. Put Martin on now! [Closing-time] CHAD What was up with Martin tonight? TIFFANY He was drunk. CHAD Why'd they let him go on like that? It was terrible. It was sad to see one of my heroes go down like that. Promise me you'll take care of me and I won't ever end up like that. TIFFANY OK sweetheart. CHAD Tell me when it's time to quit. [cut to] TIFFANY (screams) It's time to quit you bastard! CHAD What's wrong? TIFFANY Racial slurs, slamming women, making fun of people with diseases. What happened? You were so different tonight. We don't want NOW calling you the most evil man of the year. CHAD Yes, we do. That way, we get more publicity. TIFFANY You don't know the first thing about business. DON'T interfere with my game plan. If you want changes, talk to me first. Don't go off with some idea you have. Suddenly a madman appears. He has brought his daughter and his face is flushed. MADMAN Hey I brought my kid to see Martin Edwards tonight, because we've always watched his movies together as a family. He's a family comedian. This kid here is nothing but trouble. My little girl didn't need to hear the kinds of things you said tonight about... Madman punches Chad without further ado. TIFFANY Security! Security, take this man out! CHAD And your kid needed to see you lose your temper and beat me up. I'm glad to see you promote violence along with your morals. He directs attention to the little girl. CHAD (cont.) Love you kid. Stay cool. TIFFANY Mr. nice guy from now on, OK? You just made that guy upset. CHAD I think I know what happened. That show was based on my anger. TIFFANY Why were you angry? CHAD I guess it's because I have all these feelings for you and I'm with you all the time, but we never really get to be a couple. Are you interested in me? TIFFANY Things might get weird if we enter into a relationship. CHAD I thought you said you liked me. TIFFANY (almost crying, upset tone) I do. CHAD Well listen to me. I care more about you than my career. I'm willing to give it up just to be with you or I could get another manager so we can go out and you can be more like my girlfriend. TIFFANY We signed a contract for a year. That's why I'm concerned, if things get crazy and we break up, it could hurt our working environment and I don't want that to happen. INT. BAR -- AFTERNOON CHAD Another drink. BOBBY What's wrong? CHAD I have to do this comic gig for ten more months. I'm under contract to Tiffany. BOBBY No way man, you can just cut loose and let the contract run out. CHAD Well in the meantime I need a job. She gets twenty percent of everything I make and I barely break even with all the merchandise I bought to bring along with me out on the road. I'm in the hole right now and have to get rid of this stuff. BOBBY Bummer. CHAD Besides, she said she'd give me a chance after our contract ran out and she didn't want to get entangled in a business love affair. Two rabid fans approach Bobby and Chad. ANN Oh my gosh, Chris, it's Chad Buck! CHRIS That's not Chad Buck. ANN Yes, oh it is. CHRIS You're not Chad Buck are you? BOBBY No way, they know you! ANN Could I have an autograph? CHAD Oh yeah. Chad signs Ann's cocktail napkin. Chris (enthusiastically, smiling) Oh! We saw you up in Cincinnati and you were great. We're really big Martin Edwards fans, but we really enjoyed you. We got your comedy CD. When are you going to put another one out? CHAD Bobby has some CD equipment and as soon as I get some time I'll record one and we'll use Bobby's burner. I have to get a graphic artist or something though. CHRIS Oh, no way! I'm a graphic artist. Here's my card. I'll give you half off anything you want to do and I'll give you an excellent product. I really like your work. ANN Oh no way! We know Chad Buck now. EXT. DOWNTOWN -- NIGHT Chad is walking with Tiffany. They're holding ice cream and holding hands. CHAD I have a romantic surprise for you. TIFFANY OK...What is it? CHAD Close your eyes. Chad leads Tiffany around the corner to Ronnie's entrance. CHAD Watch your head. A server narrowly misses Tiffany while holding a tray close to her head. CHAD (cont.) Open your eyes. TIFFANY (looks around) What is this? CHAD This is where we met. It's our two month anniversary. TIFFANY How sweet. CHAD I'm going to do a short stint tonight while we're home this week. cut to: Tiffany interrupts Chad and Talent Coordinator hugging. TIFFANY You were great! CHAD Thanks. CHRIS Chad! He pats Chad's back. CHRIS (cont.) Good to see you. TIFFANY Chris! Oh my goodness. CHRIS Tiff! Oh you know Tiffany? CHAD Yeah, she's my girlfriend... Tiffany eyes him. CHAD (cont.) And manager. CHRIS Oh great, well Tiff and I go way back. CHAD Where's YOUR girlfriend, Chris? CHRIS Oh Ann. Oh, Ann. That was just my cousin. TIFFANY Oh how is Ann doing? Your Aunt Stacey's daughter. How's Aunt Stacey? CHRIS Oh great. Ann is such a fan of Chad's. I didn't know you were his manager. TIFFANY Yeah, well we'll have to go out for coffee. CHRIS Yeah, maybe sometime. TIFFANY No, right now! It's been so long. CHRIS Oh OK. CHAD No, I really don't think we can make it tonight. You know? TIFFANY Oh that's OK. Chris and I will just go alone then. CHAD But if you insist, I guess I can. TALENT COORDINATOR (whispers) Yeah you keep an eye on her, buddy. INT. COFFEE SHOP -- NIGHT Chad stares out into the distance, bored. He is the only one who hasn't received his coffee/mocha yet. CHRIS So he tells her: Why should I care? TIFFANY (Laughs) CHRIS So Chad buddy, how is that CD coming along? You need any graphic design still? CHAD Actually, I'm sorry, I found somebody else. CHRIS Oh. Who? Waitress (34) brings mocha to Chad. WAITRESS Sorry about the wait. CHAD No problem. WAITRESS Excuse me, are you Chad Buck? CHAD Yes. WAITRESS I am so embarrassed to ask this but this is for my son. Tomorrow is his birthday and I'd really like to give him your autograph or something. CHRIS Look lady. People hound him all the time. Show him some respect. CHAD Oh no, I would love to, especially for your kid. What's his name? WAITRESS Bobby. CHAD My best friend's name is Bobby. Tell him that. No, if this were for you, I might tell you to get lost, but this is for a kid. Chad winks at her. The waitress giggles. WAITRESS Thank you. CHRIS Oh that really pumped up your ego. CHAD Shut up. CHRIS Tiff, don't you think, he's an insecure sissy? CHAD I gave your cousin an autograph, why can't I give one for some kid? CHRIS Oh come on. TIFFANY Chris, calm down. CHRIS Why are you with such a loser like him? You could be with me. CHAD I'll see you guys later. Chad exits and starts to walk home, downcast. Tiffany comes running up to him and kisses him (lightly). He turns to her and smiles. CHAD I wasn't expecting that. TIFFANY Don't mind Chris. CHAD So you have a history with him? TIFFANY Kinda. (pause) We were... CHAD Serious? TIFFANY Yeah, I broke it off cause I just wasn't sure about him. CHAD Yeah, I'm not sure about him either. Tiffany laughs. TIFFANY I think I'm sure about something else. CHAD What? TIFFANY That I'm falling in love with you. Tiffany kisses him. INT. CHAD AND BOBBY'S APT. BOBBY Something doesn't seem right. CHAD What? BOBBY (imitating Tiffany) "Oh I don't think we should go out while I'm your manager" and then she says "Oh I think you're the one for me". CHAD Women are whimsical. BOBBY Yeah real whimsy. She'll probably leave you when your career dies down for some other guy she met making contacts while working for you. CHAD Oh come on, shut up. I can't enjoy this moment? BOBBY I'm not sure about her. That's all. INT. MARILYN'S APARTMENT -- HALL Chad and Tiffany are walking toward Marilyn's apartment. CHAD (sarcastic) Whoa this is getting way too serious. TIFFANY (smiling) Serious? Maybe we should calm down. CHAD NO! Not really. Tiffany rings door bell. Marilyn opens the door after a few seconds. MARILYN Hi. Oh... you're kidding me. You! Marilyn seems upset and makes eye contact with Chad. CHAD Oh I didn't know you were talking about Marilyn HODGES. Oh yeah, we know each other. MARILYN I didn't even know your name you piece of scum. TIFFANY What do you mean? MARILYN Don't you recognize him? TIFFANY Yes, he's my client. MARILYN No, look at him closely. TIFFANY He's my boyfriend and I know what he looks like! What do you mean? CHAD She's referring to the fact that you must've seen me on America's Most Wanted. I'm wanted for armed burglary and murder. MARILYN I bet. TIFFANY He's just kidding. MARILYN He's ... the janitor. TIFFANY What janitor? MARILYN The janitor at our office: Elgin-Rhodes. He used to take out the trash. TIFFANY What? CHAD I've worked my way up, though. TIFFANY Oh, you used to be a janitor? CHAD Yeah, remember when we just met and you asked what my day job was? I was too embarrassed to tell you. I changed the subject or something. TIFFANY Well that's OK. You were doing honorable work. MARILYN Tiffany, baby, I have nothing against janitorial work. I do have a problem with a janitor who had no class and always used to flirt with me. CHAD No, I was always nice to you so maybe one day you would introduce me to Tiffany. Tiffany gives Chad a confused look. CHAD (cont.) I used to have a crush on you while working there. I saw on your schedule you'd be at Ronnie's that one night and we just chanced to meet. MARILYN So he admits to stalking you. CHAD No, I let things take their course. I was even too afraid to call her back when she gave me her phone number. TIFFANY Marilyn, calm down. I'm kind of in love with Chad. Tiffany turns to Chad. TIFFANY And it doesn't really matter about your background. MARILYN Oh well. I guess come on in and have a Coke or something. Chad always freaked me out I guess. INT. BACKSTAGE TIFFANY Oh damn, it's raining. Turnout's going to be horrible tonight. CHAD (nonchalant, half-singing) It's raining it's pouring. Everyone is snoring. VENUE STAFFMAN We're sold out; the audience is packed in tight. You better start in about five minutes. The audience is getting ancy. TIFFANY That's great! INT. NEWSCAST ROOM -- INTERVIEW BRENDA JENNINGS Where do you get your inspiration from? CHAD Everything I do is for my girlfriend, Tiffany. BRENDA JENNINGS You heard it. Chad Buck owes it to his girl. I'm Brenda Jennings reporting for news channel five. Chad exits press room. Hundreds of fans are outside. GIRL FAN I know you have a girlfriend, but will you kiss me? Chad kisses her cheek. The girl fan and her three friends near her start SCREAMING. TEN MONTHS LATER INT. BOBBY'S APT. Tiffany and Chad are just entering the front door. BOBBY Oh my gosh! You're engaged! Look at that diamond. TIFFANY Oh I don't care about jewelry, but yes, this is a nice ring. CHAD Mrs. Buck. I like the sound of that. Bobby, I'm gonna force you to be the best man. BOBBY I'm all up for it. TIFFANY Great. I think Marilyn would like to be the maid of honor. Is that OK with you? CHAD Oh yeah, as long as it's OK with her. (to Bobby) CHAD (cont.) Marilyn is Tiffany's friend that kind of got upset when she found out I used to be a janitor. TIFFANY She's alright with it now. CHAD Oh yeah. She's gotten over it completely. BOBBY Man, marriage! What a year! You were on Leno, got an Oscar, followed by more script offers, and a completely booked schedule. CHAD Yeah, I've been pretty busy. I'm gonna take some time off and honeymoon with Tiffany though our contract's up next week. Then I'll look for a manager and put out a CD in the meantime. TIFFANY I'm sure you'll find someone competent. CHAD Not as attractive though. BOBBY I hope not. They all laugh. INT. BANK -- DAY CHAD (confidently) I'd like to withdraw six hundred dollars. TELLER How much? CHAD Actually make it seven hundred. TELLER I'm sorry sir. You have the minimum allowed of twenty-five dollars in your account. Would you like to cash a check or make a deposit? CHAD No. My account number is Three Three Three... TELLER Mr. Chad Buck? CHAD Yes. TELLER At 55 N. Billings Lane. Apartment 203. CHAD Yes. TELLER OK. I see. There was a two million, five hundred and seventy four thousand, six hundred and eighty-three dollar withdrawal made the day before yesterday. A seventy-five dollar check for utilities tried to clear today and bounced. You'll owe fees for that. CHAD What? There must be some mistake. Pan to Tiffany driving red sports car with CHRIS and a bag full of money. TIFFANY What's twenty percent of two point five million, Chris? CHRIS A half mil, Tiff. TIFFANY Is that what I'm worth? CHRIS No baby. They kiss on the Interstate even though she is driving. Traffic is to a minimum. EXT. STREET -- RAIN -- NIGHT Chad looks really sad and sits on a bus bench, even though it is raining. A sad pop song plays in background. INT. SCHOOL HALL -- DAY Chad is an old man with a mop, staring off at space. Two young, female college students pass him by. STUDENT Look at that old guy with that mop. I feel SO sorry for him. STUDENT #2 Whatever. CHAD (V.O.) I remember Tiffany like it was yesterday. Like I said, I've been happily married to Mollie for forty years. But after Tiffany left me, I decided not to be a comic anymore, because I had no reason to impress anybody. I returned to my life as a janitor after filing for bankruptcy. Tiffany took all I had and I couldn't even pay my debts. So the lesson I learned is this. Pan back to SMALL COZY HOUSE Pretty faces deceive. Just because Tiffany was gorgeous - and smart - didn't mean she had any decency about herself. Mollie isn't that much to look at, but she has kept me incredibly happy. All my life. FADE OUT... THE END

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