Characters Carrie-Anne Moss Owen Wilson Adam Sandler Elaine Stritch Ben Marley Apollo 13 Plot Girl (CAM) with grandmother (ES) who dreams of going away near the Atlantic Ocean not near violence like LA. Act I [Opens with CAM washing dishes to Tracy Chapman's fast car.] -Elaine complains Enter Owen. CAM: I've always wanted to be a CIA agent. ES: preaches against forn. Owen claims he's a gentleman, tips hat to ES, and buys CAM "How to Be a CIA agent." ES: He wants your money. CAM: What do you want? OW: Whoa, what do you think I want? CAM: Is it the money? OW: Money would be nice, but I'd run away with you if we were as poor as churchmice. CAM: How about I run away and you find me. OW: You wouldn't leave your grandmother. CAM: You know, I love her. She's real miserly, but clever. OW: But you'd leave her in a second. CAM: I wouldn't feel too bad. She could hire anyone she wants and she's not too emotionally attached to me. OW: You're ruining you're life, but (kiss) you have so much potential to become a mean CIA agent. ES: He's no good. He reminds me of your father. Tries to be so charming, but has nothing going for him. CAM: Why would he want my money? He's a gentleman or a rich man's kid (rolls eyes). ES: He's probably deep in debt and needs to dig his way out. Your grandfather was a jerk too. At dinner with Sarah Trauber. ES smacks lips, grinds teeth, grunts. Sarah periodically *looks* at ES. Aside to CAM: ST: I've had dinner with her for the last 16 years now. Her behaviour has gotten intolerable lately. OW to CAM: Why are you doing this? CAM: Because anyone else wouldn't do the same. OW: sings CAN'T BUY A HIT (in convertible) Shows AS his song: AS: This song is going to make our band. It's brilliant. It's so philosophical, because no matter how much money you have, if the public doesn't like your song, it won't be a hit. But sometimes if a song is good, record companies can pay off DJs to play it until everyone's tired of it. OW: My girlfriend wants to be a CIA agent. That's pretty cool. I think we would be quite a pair. A CIA agent and a rock star. ES to CAM: Where were you? CAM: I was working on getting my license. ES: License? CAM: To be a teacher. ES: But I thought you hated kids. CAM: No, that was my mother who hated kids. I don't so much love kids as- in unison: CAM: I'm interested in finding out why children turn out so screwed these days and if I can change or influence kids at a vulnerable stage in their life. ES: Well I'm confused. Why isn't Sarah here? ... Will you quit jabbering about nonsense.