Eliza and Monica
Act One Ė Scene Four
ELIZA: What Miss Lewinsky? You poor thing.
MONICA: You will never believe me. I didnít believe it myself, at first.
ELIZA: What is it now?
MONICA: I met this guy.
ELIZA (rapidly): A guy! See, I told you there were plenty of blokes in London and youíd find one in no time. Whatís his name? Whatís his name?
MONICA: Robbie -
ELIZA: Ohhhh! Like Robbie Williams.
MONICA: No, his name is Robbie MacAllister.
ELIZA: But itís still like Robbie Williams.
MONICA: Whoís Robbie Williams?
ELIZA: You canít be serious? They donít have Robbie in the States?
MONICA: Who is he?
ELIZA: Big singer. That boy drives everyone crazy. They say heís for the teeny-bopper crowd, but I totally love him. Itís embarrassing sometimes. Men- most men think heís stupid. But everyone knows Robbie Williams; just thought you should be in the know. So is your chap hot?
MONICA: Oh, heís cute.
ELIZA: Cute? Come on, now. Is he hot?
MONICA: Hot, yeah.
MONICA: Weíre going to a party tomorrow night.
ELIZA: What kind of a party is it? Business? Birthday party?
MONICA: He didnít say. I asked what type of party it was and all he said was that alcoholic beverages might be served.
ELIZA: Robbie sounds a little discreet. Youíll have to tell me how it goes.
MONICA: So tell me other names and stuff I need to know in London. You know Iím completely clueless. I canít believe Robbie Williams is the biggest pop star if Iíve never heard him.
ELIZA: Well I donít know. Robbie is the hottest pop singer we have. You have to be completely removed from the world not to know Robbie. You know Tony Blair?
MONICA: Yes. I know the Prime Minister.
ELIZA: And Sherry?
ELIZA: Ah, but you donít know the Prime Ministerís wife. Tony and Sherry. Like Bill and Hillary. I know about your culture, but you-
MONICA: Of course, itís George and Laura now.
ELIZA: Who cares! Oh! You have to know Cafť Concerto. They have the most stunning cake. I have to take you there.
ELIZA: Plus thereís the Bram Stoker Tavern, the Moon under Water Pub, the Pitcher and the Piano Pub off Dean Street.
MONICA: Alright, I get the point.
ELIZA: You donít go out enough to catch all the different pubs. Youíre going to go back to the States and youíll have completely missed out.
Act Two Ė Scene One
ROBBIE: Excuse me, donít you think youíve had too much to drink?
ELIZA: No, no, I can handle this.
ROBBIE: Are you sure?
Eliza stumbles to the floor.
ROBBIE: Where do you live? Iíll take you there?
ELIZA: Itís nine oíclock. Iím not going home yet.
ROBBIE: Whatís your name?
ELIZA: Eliza. And you, good kind sir?
ROBBIE: Robbie Adams.
ELIZA: Adams? OK.
ROBBIE: I thought you were drunk.
ELIZA: No, I donít think Iím there yet. I just had a tough day. You know? Hey, youíre not married are you?
ELIZA: You seem pretty cool. Wanna go out?
ELIZA: I have never met any cool guys at clubs. Usually, they have a menial job or a wife or are just plain lame, you know?
ROBBIE: Likewise, I usually meet shallow women and all the girls at work are Ė career women! Not interested in settling down one day.
ELIZA: You know, Iíve just started to consider settling down sometime in the near future. Maybe within a couple of years from now. Iím tired of the day in, day out. Oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my flatmateís boyfriendís name is also Robbie. I havenít met him yet, but he seems to be quite the man. Theyíve been on three dates ;and already it seems like this guy is serious. You know it could be quite confusing if weíre talking about our Robbies and we donít know which one the other is talking about.
ROBBIE: Now, whatís your flatmateís name?
ROBBIE: Oh, I completely forgot. I have tickets tonight for the new show at the Odeon. You know, that new romantic movie. Seven oíclock. Wanna go?
ELIZA: Robbie, we can skip that. That looks like sentimental trash! Nonsense, take me home. Meet Monica, and if you still want to impress me by taking me to that silly movie in the hopes of winning my heart, we can view the nine-thirty.
Eliza and Robbie are at Elizaís flat.
ELIZA (cont.): Now have a seat and Iíll find Monica. I need to run to the loo.
Eliza exits. Monica enters.
ROBBIE: I can explain everything.
MONICA: No, you donít need to. I understand, Robbie.
ROBBIE: Eliza and I are simply friends.
MONICA: Eliza doesnít hang out with guys for the benefit of friendship. Have you been snogging? Maybe even shagging, I bet! Donít think that I donít know whatís going on, even though I may be out of the loop most of the time. You said you werenít a cheat, Robbie! I guess youíre a liar as well. Uh, her perfume is all over you.
ROBBIE: Iím not a cheat. I just like a variety of acquaintances. And as for her perfume, she must have gallons of it all over her! Iíve been crammed with her inside of a cab. The smell might linger. Oh and by the way, shag is a bad word over here. Just thought you might like to know, because youíre supposed to be a good girl.
MONICA: I donít really care, you heartless, shagging bloke. How could you cheat on me, with my best friend in London? You donít know how awkward it is: I have to live with her. Itís crazy. How could you do this to me?
ELIZA: Hullo, Iím back. Sorry it took so long.
MONICA: Did you know that this is my Robbie? I always meant to introduce you, but it seems you found each other.
ELIZA: You said his name was Robbie MacAllister. This is Robbie Adams.
ROBBIE: Robbie MacAllister Adams, actually.
ELIZA: You donít say!
MONICA: See, I knew Eliza, one of my few friends, wouldnít steal my boyfriend. Robbie, you need to leave this flat right now. I donít ever want to see you again. You can spare me all this heartacheÖlying to me about your name, et cetera. It seems weíll have to go on our Notting Hill spree after all, Eliza.
ELIZA: Youíre not breaking up with Robbie are you? Are you sure? Donít you think thatís a little harsh?
MONICA: Harsh? No! That will teach him not to cheat. His dirty schemes will always catch up with him.
ELIZA: So heís a free man?
MONICA: Completely free.
ROBBIE: Iím single, baby, yeah!
ELIZA: I guess since you donít want him that itíll be alright if I grab him.
ROBBIE: Itís alright with me. Hey, if we leave right now, we can still catch the Odeon.
MONICA: What? Youíre taking my boyfriend?
ELIZA: Monica, Monica, he isnít yours any more, right?
MONICA: No, but you stole him before I dumped him. How could you?
ELIZA: Monica, weíll discuss this later. Robbie and I have a show to catch.
ROBBIE: Bye Monica dearest. Sorry we couldnít work things out. I canít believe you didnít understand. Women Ė not you Eliza Ė tend to be romantically obsessed with one man. That is just not reasonable. They donít observe their options. They figure if they have a few nice dates, that their man isnít supposed to see any other women at all, and they are supposed to remain completely devoted and retain fidelity within their relationship.
MONICA: Yes! What? Retain fidelity? You mean you slept with Eliza?
ROBBIE: Not really. I wouldnít call it sleeping. It was in the cab on the way over.
MONICA: Get out now, you cheating scoundrel! How could you have done this to me?
ROBBIE: Alright, alright. Iím only sorry we didnít discuss our relationship sooner. You seem to be more hurt than any woman would have the right to be. You seem to think our relationship spelled out marriage.
ELIZA: Oh, you talked about marriage, Monica? Funny, so did we.
MONICA: Get out!
ELIZA: Are you leaving, Robbie?
ROBBIE: Yes, I am. Would you like to go with me? I wasnít expecting to be lonely tonight.
ELIZA: Alright, catch you later Monica!
MONICA: Youíre not going with him, are you?
ELIZA: Bye, bye!
Act Two Ė Scene Two
MONICA: I never thought Iíd be here at the bar. Eliza is probably shagging Robbie right now. It hurts to think of it.
ANNIE: What are you doing here?
MONICA: Iím depressed.
ANNIE: Oh, youíre American. Whatís your name?
ANNIE: Iím Annie. Nice to meet you. Why are you here?
MONICA: My best friend stole my boyfriend. My boyfriend said heíd never cheat on me, but he did. I donít know why I believed him. But he seemed so sincere.
ANNIE: Well, donít feel so sorry for yourself. It could be worse.
MONICA: How could it be worse?
ANNIE: I just went broke from medical bills. My husband had cancer. It was a hard battle for a year, then he died. I had to move out of my nice flat in Hampstead to a much crummier place. Iím still paying the debt off.
MONICA: Well, Iím sorry.
Act Three Ė Scene One
ROBBIE: Eliza, you arenít having problems with Monica, are you?
ELIZA: Yes! She wonít even talk to me much anymore. And Iím glad you ring while sheís at work, because you know sheíd hang the phone up on you. What Iím amazed at is how two flatmates could fall in love with the same man. Itís practically insane! What are the odds? Out of eleven million people in the London area, you found Monica and me. It could have just been a fling with you and I, but I felt I had to stick to you.
ROBBIE: Eliza, thereís something Iíve been meaning to tell you.
ELIZA: I hope itís something good?
ROBBIE: It depends on how you handle it. You might think itís good.
ELIZA: Well, what is it? Did you find another woman?
ROBBIE: No, not exactly. I donít usually run around looking for women when I already have a girlfriend.
ELIZA: Then, what is it?
ROBBIE: Well, I donít know if you know about my flatmate, Henry.
ELIZA: Henry, is it? I didnít even know that was his name. Is he getting married? Do you need a new place to stay? I could notify Monica that she has thirty days- or less, if you need a place sooner.
ROBBIE: No, itís not that. That would make things even more complicated.
ELIZA: I suppose so. What is it then?
ROBBIE: Henry and I are close. The other night, the most incredible thing happened. We discovered we were bi-sexual.
ROBBIE: I was surprised. I had you for a girlfriend, and he had his girl: Nora. We talked through our feelings.
ELIZA: I donít mind if youíre bi-sexual. Youíre still Robbie. I love you.
ROBBIE: No, you donít understand. I havenít completely sorted through my feelings yet. Iíve decided that maybe you and I need to take a break. I thought I really liked women, but I want to spend some quality time with Henry for now.
ELIZA: You gay bastard! Youíre leaving me for a guy? I wish you sorted out your feelings long before this so you wouldnít have let me down. I thought you loved me.
ROBBIE: I did. I do.
ELIZA: You do? But you need to take a break, do you?
ELIZA: Well, I apologize if Iím not as understanding as you would like. But you can just stand by your man and never call me back. Iím off to find some other man.
ROBBIE: Eliza, darling, donít take this so harshly.
ELIZA: Harshly? Iím supposed to understand? I would understand if you wanted Henry and me; thatís tolerable. But youíre leaving me for a man? Thatís not bi-sexual. Thatís gay. I have perfect respect for the homosexual male, but youíve come out of the closet at the most inopportune time! Why couldnít you have recognized your passions sooner?
ROBBIE: I told you. It happened the other night. I had no idea.
ELIZA: Oh, you sicken me. Youíre anything but loyal. Leaving Monica for me. Leaving me for Henry. I understand.
ROBBIE: Monica always said you moved on from man to man. Why are you taking this so seriously? I didnít think you were the stable or sensitive one.
ELIZA: That was different. Usually I donít have an understanding. But you talked of marriage! Of settling down!
ROBBIE: It seems Iíve changed my mind. But I told you, Iíll call you, once everything becomes clear to me.
ELIZA: Like I said, donít call me. Enjoy that new friend of yours, whatever his name is. Horace-
ELIZA: I donít care. Get out of this place, before I throw a chair at you.
Robbie exits. Eliza picks up a phone.
ELIZA: Could I speak to Monica please? Isnít she working overtime though? Well do you know where I could find her?
MONICA: I saw Robbie leaving the flat. Is everything OK?
ELIZA: No, everything is not OK. I canít believe what just happened.
ELIZA: He left us for a man!
MONICA: He didnít leave us. He left me for you. He what? A man?
ELIZA: Yes. His name was Harry or something. His flatmate. They just discovered their feelings for each other. He says heís bi-sexual, but that heís leaving me until further notice.
MONICA: You think heís gay?
ELIZA: Yes! But that he would quite admit to it yet. Isnít that crazy? It looks like weíll have to go on our Notting Hill spree after all.
MONICA: Iím not sure.
ELIZA: Why not? I swear, the guys are cutest and richest there, just like I said.
MONICA: I know, but wonít you take my boyfriend again, if I find one?
ELIZA: No, no. I promise. I didnít even know he was your Robbie at first. I promise if anything happens like that again-
MONICA: No, it wonít. Iím giving you my notice and leaving at the end of the month. Youíll have to find someone else to stay with you.
ELIZA: Leaving England?
MONICA: No, no. Here. I found a really nice place that I can afford right near the borders of Zone One and Two. The person who Iím sharing it with is Ewan and I donít think heíll steal my boyfriend unless he turns out to be gay also.
ELIZA: You donít say! Maybe youíll fall in love with Ewan.
MONICA: I really donít think so. I donít like the idea of falling in love with my flatmate. What if we break up? Things might get uncomfortable.
ELIZA: Thatís true. But you donít need to rule out the possibility.
MONICA: Heís not my type. Heís weirdÖ
ELIZA: Oh, you might want to reconsider living with him if heís weird. You never know what might happen. Stay with me. Things will be good from here on out.
MONICA: I gave him my deposit already. I donít want to lose the money. And even though heís weird, he could be as backstabbing as you.
ELIZA: Oh now, I didnít deserve that.
The phone rings.
ELIZA: Hullo. Here she is.
MONICA: Hello Ewan. Is everything alright?ÖYes?ÖReally?ÖDo I get my deposit back?ÖCanít you just send it in the mail?ÖWhat a botherÖBye.
Monica slams down the phone.
ELIZA: What happened?
MONICA: His sister is moving to London and he wants the room for her instead of me. You donít know how hard Iíve looked and I want to just find a place and settle down.
ELIZA: Canít you forgive me and continue living on here? I promise things will work out from now on. Besides, it would be so hard to get someone to move all the way to Dollis Hill.
MONICA: I donít know. Thereís this other lady I can call.
ELIZA: Whatís wrong with Ewan? He wonít mail you the deposit?
MONICA: No, he wants me to go all the way back there. Heís such a jerk. Robbieís a jerk too. Men are such jerks.
ELIZA: I wouldnít go that far. But I agree, Ewan and Robbie seem like jerks. You know what would be fun?
MONICA: Whatís that now?
ELIZA: We could go to Robbie and Ewanís flats in the dead of the nightÖor a half-hour before the tubes close. And when Ewan and Robbie are asleep, we could spray paint the outside of their flats.
MONICA: Eliza, doesnít that sound like a bit much? We toilet paper houses in the States.
ELIZA: No, no. There wouldnít be a lot of room to put the toilet paper. Letís vandalize them. Then the next night, weíll go to Notting Hill and find the men of our dreams.
MONICA: That sounds nice, butÖ
ELIZA: Letís go.
Monica and Eliza spray party favors, the kind that sprays out, all over the stage in one direction, like theyíre spray painting a door.
ELIZA: There you go, you buggers!!!!