Act One – Scene Four MONICA: Eliza. ELIZA: What Miss Lewinsky? You poor thing. MONICA: You will never believe me. I didn’t believe it myself, at first. ELIZA: What is it now? MONICA: I met this guy. ELIZA (rapidly): A guy! See, I told you there were plenty of blokes in London and you’d find one in no time. What’s his name? What’s his name? MONICA: Robbie - ELIZA: Ohhhh! Like Robbie Williams. MONICA: No, his name is Robbie MacAllister. ELIZA: But it’s still like Robbie Williams. MONICA: Who’s Robbie Williams? ELIZA: You can’t be serious? They don’t have Robbie in the States? MONICA: Who is he? ELIZA: Big singer. That boy drives everyone crazy. They say he’s for the teeny-bopper crowd, but I totally love him. It’s embarrassing sometimes. Men- most men think he’s stupid. But everyone knows Robbie Williams; just thought you should be in the know. So is your chap hot? MONICA: Oh, he’s cute. ELIZA: Cute? Come on, now. Is he hot? MONICA: Hot, yeah. ELIZA: Fantastic! MONICA: We’re going to a party tomorrow night. ELIZA: What kind of a party is it? Business? Birthday party? MONICA: He didn’t say. I asked what type of party it was and all he said was that alcoholic beverages might be served. ELIZA: Robbie sounds a little discreet. You’ll have to tell me how it goes. MONICA: So tell me other names and stuff I need to know in London. You know I’m completely clueless. I can’t believe Robbie Williams is the biggest pop star if I’ve never heard him. ELIZA: Well I don’t know. Robbie is the hottest pop singer we have. You have to be completely removed from the world not to know Robbie. You know Tony Blair? MONICA: Yes. I know the Prime Minister. ELIZA: And Sherry? MONICA: Who? ELIZA: Ah, but you don’t know the Prime Minister’s wife. Tony and Sherry. Like Bill and Hillary. I know about your culture, but you- MONICA: Of course, it’s George and Laura now. ELIZA: Who cares! Oh! You have to know Café Concerto. They have the most stunning cake. I have to take you there. MONICA: OK. ELIZA: Plus there’s the Bram Stoker Tavern, the Moon under Water Pub, the Pitcher and the Piano Pub off Dean Street. MONICA: Alright, I get the point. ELIZA: You don’t go out enough to catch all the different pubs. You’re going to go back to the States and you’ll have completely missed out. MONICA: Act Two – Scene One ROBBIE: Excuse me, don’t you think you’ve had too much to drink? ELIZA: No, no, I can handle this. ROBBIE: Are you sure? Eliza stumbles to the floor. ELIZA: Whoa! ROBBIE: Where do you live? I’ll take you there? ELIZA: It’s nine o’clock. I’m not going home yet. ROBBIE: What’s your name? ELIZA: Eliza. And you, good kind sir? ROBBIE: Robbie Adams. ELIZA: Adams? OK. ROBBIE: I thought you were drunk. ELIZA: No, I don’t think I’m there yet. I just had a tough day. You know? Hey, you’re not married are you? ROBBIE: No. ELIZA: You seem pretty cool. Wanna go out? ROBBIE: OK. ELIZA: I have never met any cool guys at clubs. Usually, they have a menial job or a wife or are just plain lame, you know? ROBBIE: Likewise, I usually meet shallow women and all the girls at work are – career women! Not interested in settling down one day. ELIZA: You know, I’ve just started to consider settling down sometime in the near future. Maybe within a couple of years from now. I’m tired of the day in, day out. Oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my flatmate’s boyfriend’s name is also Robbie. I haven’t met him yet, but he seems to be quite the man. They’ve been on three dates ;and already it seems like this guy is serious. You know it could be quite confusing if we’re talking about our Robbies and we don’t know which one the other is talking about. ROBBIE: Now, what’s your flatmate’s name? ELIZA: Monica! ROBBIE: Oh, I completely forgot. I have tickets tonight for the new show at the Odeon. You know, that new romantic movie. Seven o’clock. Wanna go? ELIZA: Robbie, we can skip that. That looks like sentimental trash! Nonsense, take me home. Meet Monica, and if you still want to impress me by taking me to that silly movie in the hopes of winning my heart, we can view the nine-thirty. Eliza and Robbie are at Eliza’s flat. ELIZA (cont.): Now have a seat and I’ll find Monica. I need to run to the loo. Eliza exits. Monica enters. MONICA: Robbie!! ROBBIE: I can explain everything. MONICA: No, you don’t need to. I understand, Robbie. ROBBIE: Eliza and I are simply friends. MONICA: Eliza doesn’t hang out with guys for the benefit of friendship. Have you been snogging? Maybe even shagging, I bet! Don’t think that I don’t know what’s going on, even though I may be out of the loop most of the time. You said you weren’t a cheat, Robbie! I guess you’re a liar as well. Uh, her perfume is all over you. ROBBIE: I’m not a cheat. I just like a variety of acquaintances. And as for her perfume, she must have gallons of it all over her! I’ve been crammed with her inside of a cab. The smell might linger. Oh and by the way, shag is a bad word over here. Just thought you might like to know, because you’re supposed to be a good girl. MONICA: I don’t really care, you heartless, shagging bloke. How could you cheat on me, with my best friend in London? You don’t know how awkward it is: I have to live with her. It’s crazy. How could you do this to me? ELIZA: Hullo, I’m back. Sorry it took so long. MONICA: Did you know that this is my Robbie? I always meant to introduce you, but it seems you found each other. ELIZA: You said his name was Robbie MacAllister. This is Robbie Adams. ROBBIE: Robbie MacAllister Adams, actually. ELIZA: You don’t say! MONICA: See, I knew Eliza, one of my few friends, wouldn’t steal my boyfriend. Robbie, you need to leave this flat right now. I don’t ever want to see you again. You can spare me all this heartache…lying to me about your name, et cetera. It seems we’ll have to go on our Notting Hill spree after all, Eliza. ELIZA: You’re not breaking up with Robbie are you? Are you sure? Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? MONICA: Harsh? No! That will teach him not to cheat. His dirty schemes will always catch up with him. ELIZA: So he’s a free man? MONICA: Completely free. ROBBIE: I’m single, baby, yeah! ELIZA: I guess since you don’t want him that it’ll be alright if I grab him. ROBBIE: It’s alright with me. Hey, if we leave right now, we can still catch the Odeon. MONICA: What? You’re taking my boyfriend? ELIZA: Monica, Monica, he isn’t yours any more, right? MONICA: No, but you stole him before I dumped him. How could you? ELIZA: Monica, we’ll discuss this later. Robbie and I have a show to catch. ROBBIE: Bye Monica dearest. Sorry we couldn’t work things out. I can’t believe you didn’t understand. Women – not you Eliza – tend to be romantically obsessed with one man. That is just not reasonable. They don’t observe their options. They figure if they have a few nice dates, that their man isn’t supposed to see any other women at all, and they are supposed to remain completely devoted and retain fidelity within their relationship. MONICA: Yes! What? Retain fidelity? You mean you slept with Eliza? ROBBIE: Not really. I wouldn’t call it sleeping. It was in the cab on the way over. MONICA: Get out now, you cheating scoundrel! How could you have done this to me? ROBBIE: Alright, alright. I’m only sorry we didn’t discuss our relationship sooner. You seem to be more hurt than any woman would have the right to be. You seem to think our relationship spelled out marriage. ELIZA: Oh, you talked about marriage, Monica? Funny, so did we. MONICA: Get out! ELIZA: Are you leaving, Robbie? ROBBIE: Yes, I am. Would you like to go with me? I wasn’t expecting to be lonely tonight. ELIZA: Alright, catch you later Monica! MONICA: You’re not going with him, are you? ELIZA: Bye, bye! Act Two – Scene Two MONICA: I never thought I’d be here at the bar. Eliza is probably shagging Robbie right now. It hurts to think of it. ANNIE: What are you doing here? MONICA: I’m depressed. ANNIE: Oh, you’re American. What’s your name? MONICA: Monica. ANNIE: I’m Annie. Nice to meet you. Why are you here? MONICA: My best friend stole my boyfriend. My boyfriend said he’d never cheat on me, but he did. I don’t know why I believed him. But he seemed so sincere. ANNIE: Well, don’t feel so sorry for yourself. It could be worse. MONICA: How could it be worse? ANNIE: I just went broke from medical bills. My husband had cancer. It was a hard battle for a year, then he died. I had to move out of my nice flat in Hampstead to a much crummier place. I’m still paying the debt off. MONICA: Well, I’m sorry. ANNIE: MONICA: ANNIE: MONICA: ANNIE: MONICA: Act Three – Scene One ELIZA: Robbie! ROBBIE: Eliza, you aren’t having problems with Monica, are you? ELIZA: Yes! She won’t even talk to me much anymore. And I’m glad you ring while she’s at work, because you know she’d hang the phone up on you. What I’m amazed at is how two flatmates could fall in love with the same man. It’s practically insane! What are the odds? Out of eleven million people in the London area, you found Monica and me. It could have just been a fling with you and I, but I felt I had to stick to you. ROBBIE: Eliza, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. ELIZA: I hope it’s something good? ROBBIE: It depends on how you handle it. You might think it’s good. ELIZA: Well, what is it? Did you find another woman? ROBBIE: No, not exactly. I don’t usually run around looking for women when I already have a girlfriend. ELIZA: Then, what is it? ROBBIE: Well, I don’t know if you know about my flatmate, Henry. ELIZA: Henry, is it? I didn’t even know that was his name. Is he getting married? Do you need a new place to stay? I could notify Monica that she has thirty days- or less, if you need a place sooner. ROBBIE: No, it’s not that. That would make things even more complicated. ELIZA: I suppose so. What is it then? ROBBIE: Henry and I are close. The other night, the most incredible thing happened. We discovered we were bi-sexual. ELIZA: What? ROBBIE: I was surprised. I had you for a girlfriend, and he had his girl: Nora. We talked through our feelings. ELIZA: I don’t mind if you’re bi-sexual. You’re still Robbie. I love you. ROBBIE: No, you don’t understand. I haven’t completely sorted through my feelings yet. I’ve decided that maybe you and I need to take a break. I thought I really liked women, but I want to spend some quality time with Henry for now. ELIZA: You gay bastard! You’re leaving me for a guy? I wish you sorted out your feelings long before this so you wouldn’t have let me down. I thought you loved me. ROBBIE: I did. I do. ELIZA: You do? But you need to take a break, do you? ROBBIE: Yes. ELIZA: Well, I apologize if I’m not as understanding as you would like. But you can just stand by your man and never call me back. I’m off to find some other man. ROBBIE: Eliza, darling, don’t take this so harshly. ELIZA: Harshly? I’m supposed to understand? I would understand if you wanted Henry and me; that’s tolerable. But you’re leaving me for a man? That’s not bi-sexual. That’s gay. I have perfect respect for the homosexual male, but you’ve come out of the closet at the most inopportune time! Why couldn’t you have recognized your passions sooner? ROBBIE: I told you. It happened the other night. I had no idea. ELIZA: Oh, you sicken me. You’re anything but loyal. Leaving Monica for me. Leaving me for Henry. I understand. ROBBIE: Monica always said you moved on from man to man. Why are you taking this so seriously? I didn’t think you were the stable or sensitive one. ELIZA: That was different. Usually I don’t have an understanding. But you talked of marriage! Of settling down! ROBBIE: It seems I’ve changed my mind. But I told you, I’ll call you, once everything becomes clear to me. ELIZA: Like I said, don’t call me. Enjoy that new friend of yours, whatever his name is. Horace- ROBBIE: Henry. ELIZA: I don’t care. Get out of this place, before I throw a chair at you. Robbie exits. Eliza picks up a phone. ELIZA: Could I speak to Monica please? Isn’t she working overtime though? Well do you know where I could find her? Monica enters. MONICA: I saw Robbie leaving the flat. Is everything OK? ELIZA: No, everything is not OK. I can’t believe what just happened. MONICA: What? ELIZA: He left us for a man! MONICA: He didn’t leave us. He left me for you. He what? A man? ELIZA: Yes. His name was Harry or something. His flatmate. They just discovered their feelings for each other. He says he’s bi-sexual, but that he’s leaving me until further notice. MONICA: You think he’s gay? ELIZA: Yes! But that he would quite admit to it yet. Isn’t that crazy? It looks like we’ll have to go on our Notting Hill spree after all. MONICA: I’m not sure. ELIZA: Why not? I swear, the guys are cutest and richest there, just like I said. MONICA: I know, but won’t you take my boyfriend again, if I find one? ELIZA: No, no. I promise. I didn’t even know he was your Robbie at first. I promise if anything happens like that again- MONICA: No, it won’t. I’m giving you my notice and leaving at the end of the month. You’ll have to find someone else to stay with you. ELIZA: Leaving England? MONICA: No, no. Here. I found a really nice place that I can afford right near the borders of Zone One and Two. The person who I’m sharing it with is Ewan and I don’t think he’ll steal my boyfriend unless he turns out to be gay also. ELIZA: You don’t say! Maybe you’ll fall in love with Ewan. MONICA: I really don’t think so. I don’t like the idea of falling in love with my flatmate. What if we break up? Things might get uncomfortable. ELIZA: That’s true. But you don’t need to rule out the possibility. MONICA: He’s not my type. He’s weird… ELIZA: Oh, you might want to reconsider living with him if he’s weird. You never know what might happen. Stay with me. Things will be good from here on out. MONICA: I gave him my deposit already. I don’t want to lose the money. And even though he’s weird, he could be as backstabbing as you. ELIZA: Oh now, I didn’t deserve that. The phone rings. ELIZA: Hullo. Here she is. MONICA: Hello Ewan. Is everything alright?…Yes?…Really?…Do I get my deposit back?…Can’t you just send it in the mail?…What a bother…Bye. Monica slams down the phone. ELIZA: What happened? MONICA: His sister is moving to London and he wants the room for her instead of me. You don’t know how hard I’ve looked and I want to just find a place and settle down. ELIZA: Can’t you forgive me and continue living on here? I promise things will work out from now on. Besides, it would be so hard to get someone to move all the way to Dollis Hill. MONICA: I don’t know. There’s this other lady I can call. ELIZA: What’s wrong with Ewan? He won’t mail you the deposit? MONICA: No, he wants me to go all the way back there. He’s such a jerk. Robbie’s a jerk too. Men are such jerks. ELIZA: I wouldn’t go that far. But I agree, Ewan and Robbie seem like jerks. You know what would be fun? MONICA: What’s that now? ELIZA: We could go to Robbie and Ewan’s flats in the dead of the night…or a half-hour before the tubes close. And when Ewan and Robbie are asleep, we could spray paint the outside of their flats. MONICA: Eliza, doesn’t that sound like a bit much? We toilet paper houses in the States. ELIZA: No, no. There wouldn’t be a lot of room to put the toilet paper. Let’s vandalize them. Then the next night, we’ll go to Notting Hill and find the men of our dreams. MONICA: That sounds nice, but… ELIZA: Let’s go. Monica and Eliza spray party favors, the kind that sprays out, all over the stage in one direction, like they’re spray painting a door. ELIZA: There you go, you buggers!!!! MONICA: ELIZA: MONICA: ELIZA: