Act One – Scene One

MONICA: Hello, are you Eliza? 

ELIZA: Yes, and you’re that American girl. I forget your name?
 
MONICA: Monica.
 
ELIZA: Oh, not the famous Monica Lewinsky?
 
MONICA: Monica Lewinsky? Oh gosh, that was years ago. They don’t even talk about her in America anymore.
 
ELIZA: Well, we sure talk about her here in England. Of course, the President of your country probably has lots of women all the time like that, so it’s probably not that big of a deal.
 
MONICA: So is the flat still available?
 
ELIZA: Still available? Oh yes! No one seems to want it cause Dollis Hill’s in Zone Three and they have to pay for Zones One through Six and all you really need is Zones One through Three.  
 
MONICA:  What?
 
ELIZA: Oh, oh never mind. Don’t you worry. Most of the appliances work and this really isn’t too bad of an area. There are more shootings in Notting Hill!

MONICA:  And didn’t the riot happen years ago?

ELIZA: Oh yes, the very big riots were like thirty years ago. Right.

MONICA:  And you like this place yourself?

ELIZA: Yeah, very nice. Very cheap. I mean affordable. I showed another American woman this place and she said she wouldn’t take it because it was too cheap for her. Just because it is cheap doesn’t mean it’s bad.

MONICA: This would actually be expensive in the States, once you convert it from pounds to dollars.

ELIZA: There you go! When do you want to move in?

MONICA: Um … move in. Let’s see. Right away, if possible. I’m glad it’s furnished. That’s the most important thing. I start my job Monday and I want to have secured a place, so I can get to know London a little more.

ELIZA: Oh great, you have a job! The last girl didn’t. 

MONICA: Oh my gosh, how did she pay for the rent? 

ELIZA: Well, I don’t know exactly. I always suspected she was involved in a black market over here.  Selling drugs, maybe. She might have had a sugar daddy, for awhile at least. She was a little behind on rent, when I think she had to go to jail for a few days. But then I never saw her again. So obviously, I don’t know the exact details of her departure, but Operation Trident was involved. 

MONICA: What’s Operation Trident?

ELIZA: You don’t really want to know that. But I’m glad you have a job. That seems respectable. The only thing I’m worried about is that you might tell me in a few months that you have to go back to the States. 

MONICA: Back to the States? Oh no. I have it straightened out, so that I’ll be here for three years at least. Most likely.

ELIZA: Three years! Oh no, I hope to be good and married by that time. 

MONICA: Oh well, I’m just letting you know.

ELIZA: Great. You Americans, so candid. I hate to ask this, but is it OK if you pay me up front?

MONICA: Sure. 

ELIZA: Each week?

MONICA: Sure.

ELIZA: Cause you know the other girl was behind on the rent and it will sure help out.

MONICA:  No problem.

ELIZA: Oh you’re easy to deal with.

MONICA: Is there a key?

ELIZA: A key. Sure.

MONICA: Good. I look forward to a nice, relaxed night. I just need to get my stuff from the hotel and I’ll be right back.

ELIZA: Be right back? You mean, you’re not going to a pub or the theater or the like?

MONICA: Oh, not tonight.

ELIZA: And you’re not going to find a guy?

MONICA: Find a guy? Oh, I’ll wait till I go to work.

ELIZA: No, no, never date a guy at work. Especially not the boss! Trust me.

MONICA: The boss! Oh no, I was thinking like a co-worker. 

ELIZA: Co-worker, no, no. Then one of you will get promoted. And if it’s you, he acts like you’re being condescending, although you’re not. You were only chosen for the higher position because there was only one position to fill. And if it’s him that gets promoted, then he acts like he’s too good for you anymore.  Most men are worried about sexual harassment these days anyhow. They won’t bother with the girls at work, because a lot of women are devious and they try to conjure up some story about how he tried to rape her or something.  No! You do not want a guy from work. You want to meet a guy, at a pub, in Notting Hill. The guys are cutest there, and richest. I’ll go with you sometime. Why not tonight? You know, you can’t stay at home every night, or any night in fact. Especially since you’re new to London. You need to stake out all the cool spots. 

MONICA: Oh, but not tonight.

ELIZA: Oh, you can’t be serious! 

MONICA:  I don’t think- 

ELIZA: But if you are, then fine. I don’t give a fig as long as you pay the rent, and you look like you will. You probably will turn out to be fun, although I’m not too sure right now. You need to go to a pub, a club, the theater, et cetera. I’m meeting Tom tonight, so I had better go.

MONICA:  Is Tom your boyfriend?

ELIZA: He is tonight at least.  I met him at Sainsbury’s. Two things about him: he’s cute and is not married! Divorced, I think, but not married. That’s the most important thing to ask a man right off. ‘Are you married?’ Otherwise, they won’t say. But, bye for now. You have the key and you know where the house is. Get your stuff and join us at the Archduke Pub if you decide you want to come out and play. I’m sure Tom won’t mind if you show. It’s off of Knightsbridge if you take the tube.