Eliza and Monica

Act Two Ė Scene One ROBBIE: Excuse me, donít you think youíve had too much to drink? ELIZA: No, no, I can handle this. ROBBIE: Are you sure? Eliza stumbles to the floor. ELIZA: Whoa! ROBBIE: Where do you live? Iíll take you there, if youíd like. ELIZA: Itís only nine oíclock. Iím not going home yet. ROBBIE: Whatís your name? ELIZA: Eliza. And you, good kind sir? ROBBIE: Robbie Adams. ELIZA: Adams? OK. ROBBIE: I thought you were drunk. ELIZA: No, I donít think Iím there yet. I just had a tough day. You know? Hey, youíre not married are you? ROBBIE: No. ELIZA: You seem pretty cool. Wanna go out? ROBBIE: OK. ELIZA: So, could I be your girlfriend? ROBBIE: In some form or another, sure. ELIZA: So how does a relationship usually end with you? ROBBIE: When they catch me cheating. Her parting words go something like ďyou shagging WANKER!!!Ē ELIZA: Serious? Robbie laughs. ROBBIE: Not really, my dear. I am, however, referring to one specific occasion. But I want to find a girl whom I really adore and settle down. ELIZA: You know, Iíve just started to consider settling down sometime in the near future. Maybe within a couple of years from now. Iím tired of the day in, day out. I have never met any cool guys at clubs. Usually, they have a menial job or a wife or are just plain lame, you know? ROBBIE: Likewise, I usually meet shallow women and all the girls at work are Ė career women! Not interested in settling down one day. ELIZA: You sound cool. ROBBIE: Well, it so happens I am. ELIZA: Maybe we can settle something some day. ROBBIE: And hopefully it wonít be a divorce settlement. ELIZA: No! I mean like ďsettling down.Ē ROBBBIE: Ha, I know. ELIZA: Robbie - oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my flatmateís boyfriendís name is also Robbie. I havenít met him yet, but he seems to be quite the man. Theyíve been on three dates; and already it seems like this guy is serious. You know it could be quite confusing if weíre talking about our Robbies and we donít know which one the other is talking about. ROBBIE: Now, whatís your flatmateís name? ELIZA: Monica! ROBBIE: Oh, I completely forgot. I have tickets tonight for the new show at the Odeon. You know, that new romantic movie. Seven oíclock. Wanna go? ELIZA: Robbie, we can skip that. That looks like sentimental trash! Nonsense, take me home. Meet Monica, and if you still want to impress me by taking me to that silly movie in the hopes of winning my heart, we can view the nine-thirty. ROBBIE: I thought you said that nine was too early to leave. ELIZA: Is something the matter? You said you wanted to take me out, and now youíre backing off. ROBBIE: Oh no, Iím not. Itís just that- ELIZA: I think it would be hilarious if you met Monica. Sheís always complaining about how she never gets to meet the men I go out with. If she met you before I even met her boyfriend, then I could act like sheís the one who never introduces me to her friends. And I could be like, I bet you donít even have a Robbie to show off. I bet there was no party he took you to. Ha, ha. ROBBIE: Are you quite sure youíre not drunk? ELIZA: Oh yes. Eliza and Robbie are at Elizaís flat. ELIZA (cont.): Now have a seat and Iíll find Monica. I need to run to the loo. Eliza exits. Monica enters. MONICA: Robbie!! What are you doing with Eliza? ROBBIE: I can explain everything. MONICA: No, you donít need to. I understand, Robbie. ROBBIE: We met at a club tonight. Eliza and I are simply friends. MONICA: Eliza doesnít hang out with guys for the benefit of friendship. Have you been snogging? Maybe even shagging, I bet! Donít think that I donít know whatís going on, even though I may be out of the loop most of the time. You said you werenít a cheat, Robbie! I guess youíre a liar as well. Uh, her perfume is all over you. ROBBIE: Iím not a cheat. I just like a variety of acquaintances. And as for her perfume, she must have gallons of it all over her! Iíve been crammed with her inside of a cab. The smell might linger. Oh and by the way, shag is a bad word over here. Just thought you might like to know, because youíre supposed to be a good girl. MONICA: I donít really care, you heartless, shagging bloke. How could you cheat on me, with my best friend in London? You donít know how awkward it is: I have to live with her. Itís crazy. How could you do this to me? ELIZA: Hullo, Iím back. Sorry it took so long. MONICA: Did you know that this is my Robbie? I always meant to introduce you, but it seems you found each other. ELIZA: You said his name was Robbie MacAllister. This is Robbie Adams. ROBBIE: Robbie MacAllister Adams, actually. ELIZA: You donít say! MONICA: See, I knew Eliza, one of my few friends, wouldnít steal my boyfriend. Robbie, you need to leave this flat right now. I donít ever want to see you again. You can spare me all this heartacheÖlying to me about your name, et cetera. It seems weíll have to go on our Notting Hill spree after all, Eliza. ELIZA: Youíre not breaking up with Robbie are you? Are you sure? Donít you think thatís a little harsh? MONICA: Harsh? No! That will teach him not to cheat. His dirty schemes will always catch up with him. ELIZA: So heís a free man? MONICA: Completely free. ROBBIE: Iím single, baby, yeah! ELIZA: I guess since you donít want him that itíll be alright if I grab him. ROBBIE: Itís alright with me. Hey, if we leave right now, we can still catch the Odeon. MONICA: What? Youíre taking my boyfriend? ELIZA: Monica, Monica, he isnít yours any more, right? MONICA: No, but you stole him before I dumped him. How could you? ELIZA: Monica, weíll discuss this later. Robbie and I have a show to catch. ROBBIE: Bye Monica dearest. Sorry we couldnít work things out. I canít believe you didnít understand. Women Ė not you Eliza Ė tend to be romantically obsessed with one man. That is just not reasonable. They donít observe their options. They figure if they have a few nice dates, that their man isnít supposed to see any other women at all, and they are supposed to remain completely devoted and retain fidelity within their relationship. MONICA: Yes! What? Retain fidelity? You mean you slept with Eliza? ROBBIE: Not really. I wouldnít call it sleeping. It was in the cab on the way over. MONICA: Get out now, you cheating scoundrel! How could you have done this to me? ROBBIE: Alright, alright. Iím only sorry we didnít discuss our relationship sooner. You seem to be more hurt than any woman would have the right to be. You seem to think our relationship spelled out marriage. ELIZA: Oh, you talked about marriage, Monica? Funny, so did we. MONICA: Get out! ELIZA: Are you leaving, Robbie? ROBBIE: Yes, I am. Would you like to go with me? I wasnít expecting to be lonely tonight. ELIZA: Alright, catch you later Monica! MONICA: Youíre not going with him, are you? ELIZA: Bye, bye! Monica exits. ROBBIE: That was odd. I wasnít expecting that. ELIZA: Neither was I. But itís alright? I mean, you donít mind leaving Monica for me? ROBBIE: No, no. I just wish I could have you both. Robbie and Eliza both laugh. ROBBIE (cont.): Upon my word, Iím beginning to think Iím the one thatís drunk. ELIZA: Whatís that? Oh, Iím afraid I may have had one too many myself. I was wrong. I may be smashed. ROBBIE: You wonít wake up in the morning and think ďOh my, I shouldnít have stolen my friendís boyfriendĒ will you? ELIZA: Ha, ha, no way. The worst that could happen is she will become so upset that she will go back to the States and that wonít be so bad, will it? ROBBIE: I suppose not. It would ease my conscience not seeing her all the time. ELIZA: So what do you want to do? ROBBIE: Shag, drink. Whatever. ELIZA: Oh my, you are so different than how Eliza described you. Are you sure youíre the same Robbie? ROBBIE: Of course I am! I just was on my best behavior. Now I want to be bad. Iíve been holding back for so long. A whole two weeks. Itís going to be different without her. ELIZA: Different is a good thing. ROBBIE: You bet. ELIZA: So could we go to the Odeon and make fun of the romantic movie? ROBBIE: Of course, letís go. ELIZA: ROBBIE: ELIZA: ROBBIE: