Act Two – Scene One ROBBIE: Excuse me, don’t you think you’ve had too much to drink? ELIZA: No, no, I can handle this. ROBBIE: Are you sure? Eliza stumbles to the floor. ELIZA: Whoa! ROBBIE: Where do you live? I’ll take you there, if you’d like. ELIZA: It’s only nine o’clock. I’m not going home yet. ROBBIE: What’s your name? ELIZA: Eliza. And you, good kind sir? ROBBIE: Robbie Adams. ELIZA: Adams? OK. ROBBIE: I thought you were drunk. ELIZA: No, I don’t think I’m there yet. I just had a tough day. You know? Hey, you’re not married are you? ROBBIE: No. ELIZA: You seem pretty cool. Wanna go out? ROBBIE: OK. ELIZA: So, could I be your girlfriend? ROBBIE: In some form or another, sure. ELIZA: So how does a relationship usually end with you? ROBBIE: When they catch me cheating. Her parting words go something like “you shagging WANKER!!!” ELIZA: Serious? Robbie laughs. ROBBIE: Not really, my dear. I am, however, referring to one specific occasion. But I want to find a girl whom I really adore and settle down. ELIZA: You know, I’ve just started to consider settling down sometime in the near future. Maybe within a couple of years from now. I’m tired of the day in, day out. I have never met any cool guys at clubs. Usually, they have a menial job or a wife or are just plain lame, you know? ROBBIE: Likewise, I usually meet shallow women and all the girls at work are – career women! Not interested in settling down one day. ELIZA: You sound cool. ROBBIE: Well, it so happens I am. ELIZA: Maybe we can settle something some day. ROBBIE: And hopefully it won’t be a divorce settlement. ELIZA: No! I mean like “settling down.” ROBBBIE: Ha, I know. ELIZA: Robbie - oh hey, I forgot to tell you, my flatmate’s boyfriend’s name is also Robbie. I haven’t met him yet, but he seems to be quite the man. They’ve been on three dates; and already it seems like this guy is serious. You know it could be quite confusing if we’re talking about our Robbies and we don’t know which one the other is talking about. ROBBIE: Now, what’s your flatmate’s name? ELIZA: Monica! ROBBIE: Oh, I completely forgot. I have tickets tonight for the new show at the Odeon. You know, that new romantic movie. Seven o’clock. Wanna go? ELIZA: Robbie, we can skip that. That looks like sentimental trash! Nonsense, take me home. Meet Monica, and if you still want to impress me by taking me to that silly movie in the hopes of winning my heart, we can view the nine-thirty. ROBBIE: I thought you said that nine was too early to leave. ELIZA: Is something the matter? You said you wanted to take me out, and now you’re backing off. ROBBIE: Oh no, I’m not. It’s just that- ELIZA: I think it would be hilarious if you met Monica. She’s always complaining about how she never gets to meet the men I go out with. If she met you before I even met her boyfriend, then I could act like she’s the one who never introduces me to her friends. And I could be like, I bet you don’t even have a Robbie to show off. I bet there was no party he took you to. Ha, ha. ROBBIE: Are you quite sure you’re not drunk? ELIZA: Oh yes. Eliza and Robbie are at Eliza’s flat. ELIZA (cont.): Now have a seat and I’ll find Monica. I need to run to the loo. Eliza exits. Monica enters. MONICA: Robbie!! What are you doing with Eliza? ROBBIE: I can explain everything. MONICA: No, you don’t need to. I understand, Robbie. ROBBIE: We met at a club tonight. Eliza and I are simply friends. MONICA: Eliza doesn’t hang out with guys for the benefit of friendship. Have you been snogging? Maybe even shagging, I bet! Don’t think that I don’t know what’s going on, even though I may be out of the loop most of the time. You said you weren’t a cheat, Robbie! I guess you’re a liar as well. Uh, her perfume is all over you. ROBBIE: I’m not a cheat. I just like a variety of acquaintances. And as for her perfume, she must have gallons of it all over her! I’ve been crammed with her inside of a cab. The smell might linger. Oh and by the way, shag is a bad word over here. Just thought you might like to know, because you’re supposed to be a good girl. MONICA: I don’t really care, you heartless, shagging bloke. How could you cheat on me, with my best friend in London? You don’t know how awkward it is: I have to live with her. It’s crazy. How could you do this to me? ELIZA: Hullo, I’m back. Sorry it took so long. MONICA: Did you know that this is my Robbie? I always meant to introduce you, but it seems you found each other. ELIZA: You said his name was Robbie MacAllister. This is Robbie Adams. ROBBIE: Robbie MacAllister Adams, actually. ELIZA: You don’t say! MONICA: See, I knew Eliza, one of my few friends, wouldn’t steal my boyfriend. Robbie, you need to leave this flat right now. I don’t ever want to see you again. You can spare me all this heartache…lying to me about your name, et cetera. It seems we’ll have to go on our Notting Hill spree after all, Eliza. ELIZA: You’re not breaking up with Robbie are you? Are you sure? Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? MONICA: Harsh? No! That will teach him not to cheat. His dirty schemes will always catch up with him. ELIZA: So he’s a free man? MONICA: Completely free. ROBBIE: I’m single, baby, yeah! ELIZA: I guess since you don’t want him that it’ll be alright if I grab him. ROBBIE: It’s alright with me. Hey, if we leave right now, we can still catch the Odeon. MONICA: What? You’re taking my boyfriend? ELIZA: Monica, Monica, he isn’t yours any more, right? MONICA: No, but you stole him before I dumped him. How could you? ELIZA: Monica, we’ll discuss this later. Robbie and I have a show to catch. ROBBIE: Bye Monica dearest. Sorry we couldn’t work things out. I can’t believe you didn’t understand. Women – not you Eliza – tend to be romantically obsessed with one man. That is just not reasonable. They don’t observe their options. They figure if they have a few nice dates, that their man isn’t supposed to see any other women at all, and they are supposed to remain completely devoted and retain fidelity within their relationship. MONICA: Yes! What? Retain fidelity? You mean you slept with Eliza? ROBBIE: Not really. I wouldn’t call it sleeping. It was in the cab on the way over. MONICA: Get out now, you cheating scoundrel! How could you have done this to me? ROBBIE: Alright, alright. I’m only sorry we didn’t discuss our relationship sooner. You seem to be more hurt than any woman would have the right to be. You seem to think our relationship spelled out marriage. ELIZA: Oh, you talked about marriage, Monica? Funny, so did we. MONICA: Get out! ELIZA: Are you leaving, Robbie? ROBBIE: Yes, I am. Would you like to go with me? I wasn’t expecting to be lonely tonight. ELIZA: Alright, catch you later Monica! MONICA: You’re not going with him, are you? ELIZA: Bye, bye! Monica exits. ROBBIE: That was odd. I wasn’t expecting that. ELIZA: Neither was I. But it’s alright? I mean, you don’t mind leaving Monica for me? ROBBIE: No, no. I just wish I could have you both. Robbie and Eliza both laugh. ROBBIE (cont.): Upon my word, I’m beginning to think I’m the one that’s drunk. ELIZA: What’s that? Oh, I’m afraid I may have had one too many myself. I was wrong. I may be smashed. ROBBIE: You won’t wake up in the morning and think “Oh my, I shouldn’t have stolen my friend’s boyfriend” will you? ELIZA: Ha, ha, no way. The worst that could happen is she will become so upset that she will go back to the States and that won’t be so bad, will it? ROBBIE: I suppose not. It would ease my conscience not seeing her all the time. ELIZA: So what do you want to do? ROBBIE: Shag, drink. Whatever. ELIZA: Oh my, you are so different than how Eliza described you. Are you sure you’re the same Robbie? ROBBIE: Of course I am! I just was on my best behavior. Now I want to be bad. I’ve been holding back for so long. A whole two weeks. It’s going to be different without her. ELIZA: Different is a good thing. ROBBIE: You bet. ELIZA: So could we go to the Odeon and make fun of the romantic movie? ROBBIE: Of course, let’s go. ELIZA: ROBBIE: ELIZA: ROBBIE: