Act Three – Scene One ELIZA: Robbie! Hello my love. ROBBIE: Erm, hello. Thank you for having me over on such short notice. ELIZA: You’re welcome. I’m glad you wanted to come over when Monica was at work, or else we’d have to meet somewhere else. ROBBIE: Eliza, you aren’t having problems with Monica, are you? ELIZA: Yes! She won’t even talk to me much anymore. And I’m glad you ring while she’s at work, because you know she’d hang the phone up on you. What I’m amazed at is how two flatmates could fall in love with the same man. It’s practically insane! What are the odds? Out of eleven million people in the London area, you found Monica and me. It could have just been a fling with you and I, but I felt I had to stick to you. ROBBIE: Eliza, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. ELIZA: I hope it’s something good? ROBBIE: It depends on how you handle it. You might think it’s good. ELIZA: Well, what is it? Did you find another woman? ROBBIE: No, not exactly. I don’t usually run around looking for women when I already have a girlfriend. ELIZA: Then, what is it? ROBBIE: Well, I don’t know if you know about my flatmate, Henry. ELIZA: Henry, is it? I didn’t even know that was his name. Is he getting married? Do you need a new place to stay? I could notify Monica that she has thirty days- or less, if you need a place sooner. ROBBIE: No, it’s not that. That would make things even more complicated. ELIZA: I suppose so. What is it then? ROBBIE: Henry and I are close. The other night, the most incredible thing happened. We discovered we were bi-sexual. ELIZA: What? ROBBIE: I was surprised. I had you for a girlfriend, and he had his girl: Nora. We talked through our feelings. ELIZA: I don’t mind if you’re bi-sexual. You’re still Robbie. I love you. ROBBIE: No, you don’t understand. I haven’t completely sorted through my feelings yet. I’ve decided that maybe you and I need to take a break. I thought I really liked women, but I want to spend some quality time with Henry for now. ELIZA: You gay bastard! You’re leaving me for a guy? I wish you sorted out your feelings long before this so you wouldn’t have let me down. I thought you loved me. ROBBIE: I did. I do. ELIZA: You do? But you need to take a break, do you? ROBBIE: Yes. ELIZA: Well, I apologize if I’m not as understanding as you would like. But you can just stand by your man and never call me back. I’m off to find some other man. ROBBIE: Eliza, darling, don’t take this so harshly. ELIZA: Harshly? I’m supposed to understand? I would understand if you wanted Henry and me; that’s tolerable. But you’re leaving me for a man? That’s not bi-sexual. That’s gay. I have perfect respect for the homosexual male, but you’ve come out of the closet at the most inopportune time! Why couldn’t you have recognized your passions sooner? ROBBIE: I told you. It happened the other night. I had no idea. ELIZA: Oh, you sicken me. You’re anything but loyal. Leaving Monica for me. Leaving me for Henry. I understand. And what about Henry? He’s taking a break from his girlfriend? ROBBIE: She was disgusted and left him without looking back. They weren’t that attached. Now, Monica always said you moved on from man to man. Why are you taking this relationship so seriously? I didn’t think you were the stable or sensitive one. ELIZA: That was different. Usually I don’t have an understanding. But you talked of marriage! Of settling down! ROBBIE: It seems I’ve changed my mind. But I told you, I’ll call you, once everything becomes clear to me. ELIZA: Like I said, don’t call me. Enjoy that new friend of yours, whatever his name is. Horace- ROBBIE: Henry. ELIZA: I don’t care. Get out of this place, before I throw a chair at you. Robbie exits. Eliza picks up a phone. ELIZA: Could I speak to Monica please? Isn’t she working overtime though? Well do you know where I could find her? Monica enters. MONICA: I saw Robbie leaving the flat. Is everything OK? He gave me a dirty look. ELIZA: No, everything is not OK. I can’t believe what just happened. MONICA: What? ELIZA: He left us for a man! MONICA: He didn’t leave us. He left me for you. He what? A man? ELIZA: Yes. His name was Harry or something. His flatmate. MONICA: He left you for Henry? ELIZA: Yes… They just discovered their feelings for each other. He says he’s bi-sexual, but that he’s leaving me for the man until further notice. MONICA: You think he’s gay? ELIZA: Yes! But he won’t quite admit to it yet. Isn’t that crazy? It looks like we’ll have to go on our Notting Hill spree after all. MONICA: I’m not sure. ELIZA: Why not? I swear, the guys are cutest and richest there, just like I said. MONICA: I know, but won’t you take my boyfriend again, if I find one? ELIZA: No, no. I promise. I didn’t even know he was your Robbie at first. I promise if anything happens like that again- MONICA: No, it won’t. I’m giving you my notice and leaving at the end of the month. You’ll have to find someone else to stay with7 you. ELIZA: Leaving England? MONICA: No, no. I’m just leaving here. I found a really nice place that I can afford right near the borders of Zone One and Two. The person who I’m sharing it with is Ewan and I don’t think he’ll steal my boyfriend unless he turns out to be gay also. ELIZA: You don’t say! Maybe you’ll even fall in love with Ewan. MONICA: I really don’t think so. I don’t like the idea of falling in love with my flatmate. What if we break up? Things might get uncomfortable. ELIZA: That’s true. But you don’t need to rule out the possibility. MONICA: He’s not my type. He’s weird… ELIZA: Oh, you might want to reconsider living with him if he’s weird. You never know what might happen. Stay with me. Things will be good from here on out. MONICA: I gave him my deposit already. I don’t want to lose the money. And even though he’s weird, he couldn’t possibly be as backstabbing as you. ELIZA: Oh now, I didn’t deserve that. How much was the deposit? I’ll pay it. MONICA: You’ll pay two hundred pounds? ELIZA: I could pay it over time… MONICA: Uh, never mind. ELIZA: I’ll pay half. MONICA: No, forget it. The phone rings. ELIZA: Hullo. Here she is. MONICA: Hello Ewan. Is everything alright?…Yes?…Really?…Do I get my deposit back?…Can’t you just send it in the mail?…What a bother…Bye. Monica slams down the phone. ELIZA: What happened? MONICA: His sister is moving to London and he wants the room for her instead of me. You don’t know how hard I’ve looked and I want to just find a place and settle down. ELIZA: Can’t you forgive me and continue living on here? I promise things will work out from now on. Besides, it would be so hard to get someone to move all the way to Dollis Hill. MONICA: I don’t know. There’s this other lady I can call. ELIZA: What’s wrong with Ewan? He won’t mail you the deposit? MONICA: No, he wants me to go all the way back there. He’s such a jerk. Robbie’s a jerk too. Men are such jerks. ELIZA: I wouldn’t go that far. But I agree, Ewan and Robbie seem like jerks. You know what would be fun? MONICA: What’s that now? ELIZA: We could go to Robbie and Ewan’s flats in the dead of the night…or a half-hour before the tubes close. And when Ewan and Robbie are asleep, we could spray paint the outside of their flats. MONICA: Eliza, doesn’t that sound like a bit much? We toilet paper houses in the States. ELIZA: No, no. There wouldn’t be a lot of room to put the toilet paper. Let’s vandalize them. Then the next night, we’ll go to Notting Hill and find the men of our dreams. MONICA: That sounds nice, but… ELIZA: Let’s go. Monica and Eliza spray party favors, the kind that sprays out, all over the stage in one direction, like they’re spray painting a door. ELIZA (cont.): There you go, you buggers!!!!