Act Three Ė Scene One ELIZA: Robbie! Hello my love. ROBBIE: Erm, hello. Thank you for having me over on such short notice. ELIZA: Youíre welcome. Iím glad you wanted to come over when Monica was at work, or else weíd have to meet somewhere else. ROBBIE: Eliza, you arenít having problems with Monica, are you? ELIZA: Yes! She wonít even talk to me much anymore. And Iím glad you ring while sheís at work, because you know sheíd hang the phone up on you. What Iím amazed at is how two flatmates could fall in love with the same man. Itís practically insane! What are the odds? Out of eleven million people in the London area, you found Monica and me. It could have just been a fling with you and I, but I felt I had to stick to you. ROBBIE: Eliza, thereís something Iíve been meaning to tell you. ELIZA: I hope itís something good? ROBBIE: It depends on how you handle it. You might think itís good. ELIZA: Well, what is it? Did you find another woman? ROBBIE: No, not exactly. I donít usually run around looking for women when I already have a girlfriend. ELIZA: Then, what is it? ROBBIE: Well, I donít know if you know about my flatmate, Henry. ELIZA: Henry, is it? I didnít even know that was his name. Is he getting married? Do you need a new place to stay? I could notify Monica that she has thirty days- or less, if you need a place sooner. ROBBIE: No, itís not that. That would make things even more complicated. ELIZA: I suppose so. What is it then? ROBBIE: Henry and I are close. The other night, the most incredible thing happened. We discovered we were bi-sexual. ELIZA: What? ROBBIE: I was surprised. I had you for a girlfriend, and he had his girl: Nora. We talked through our feelings. ELIZA: I donít mind if youíre bi-sexual. Youíre still Robbie. I love you. ROBBIE: No, you donít understand. I havenít completely sorted through my feelings yet. Iíve decided that maybe you and I need to take a break. I thought I really liked women, but I want to spend some quality time with Henry for now. ELIZA: You gay bastard! Youíre leaving me for a guy? I wish you sorted out your feelings long before this so you wouldnít have let me down. I thought you loved me. ROBBIE: I did. I do. ELIZA: You do? But you need to take a break, do you? ROBBIE: Yes. ELIZA: Well, I apologize if Iím not as understanding as you would like. But you can just stand by your man and never call me back. Iím off to find some other man. ROBBIE: Eliza, darling, donít take this so harshly. ELIZA: Harshly? Iím supposed to understand? I would understand if you wanted Henry and me; thatís tolerable. But youíre leaving me for a man? Thatís not bi-sexual. Thatís gay. I have perfect respect for the homosexual male, but youíve come out of the closet at the most inopportune time! Why couldnít you have recognized your passions sooner? ROBBIE: I told you. It happened the other night. I had no idea. ELIZA: Oh, you sicken me. Youíre anything but loyal. Leaving Monica for me. Leaving me for Henry. I understand. And what about Henry? Heís taking a break from his girlfriend? ROBBIE: She was disgusted and left him without looking back. They werenít that attached. Now, Monica always said you moved on from man to man. Why are you taking this relationship so seriously? I didnít think you were the stable or sensitive one. ELIZA: That was different. Usually I donít have an understanding. But you talked of marriage! Of settling down! ROBBIE: It seems Iíve changed my mind. But I told you, Iíll call you, once everything becomes clear to me. ELIZA: Like I said, donít call me. Enjoy that new friend of yours, whatever his name is. Horace- ROBBIE: Henry. ELIZA: I donít care. Get out of this place, before I throw a chair at you. Robbie exits. Eliza picks up a phone. ELIZA: Could I speak to Monica please? Isnít she working overtime though? Well do you know where I could find her? Monica enters. MONICA: I saw Robbie leaving the flat. Is everything OK? He gave me a dirty look. ELIZA: No, everything is not OK. I canít believe what just happened. MONICA: What? ELIZA: He left us for a man! MONICA: He didnít leave us. He left me for you. He what? A man? ELIZA: Yes. His name was Harry or something. His flatmate. MONICA: He left you for Henry? ELIZA: YesÖ They just discovered their feelings for each other. He says heís bi-sexual, but that heís leaving me for the man until further notice. MONICA: You think heís gay? ELIZA: Yes! But he wonít quite admit to it yet. Isnít that crazy? It looks like weíll have to go on our Notting Hill spree after all. MONICA: Iím not sure. ELIZA: Why not? I swear, the guys are cutest and richest there, just like I said. MONICA: I know, but wonít you take my boyfriend again, if I find one? ELIZA: No, no. I promise. I didnít even know he was your Robbie at first. I promise if anything happens like that again- MONICA: No, it wonít. Iím giving you my notice and leaving at the end of the month. Youíll have to find someone else to stay with7 you. ELIZA: Leaving England? MONICA: No, no. Iím just leaving here. I found a really nice place that I can afford right near the borders of Zone One and Two. The person who Iím sharing it with is Ewan and I donít think heíll steal my boyfriend unless he turns out to be gay also. ELIZA: You donít say! Maybe youíll even fall in love with Ewan. MONICA: I really donít think so. I donít like the idea of falling in love with my flatmate. What if we break up? Things might get uncomfortable. ELIZA: Thatís true. But you donít need to rule out the possibility. MONICA: Heís not my type. Heís weirdÖ ELIZA: Oh, you might want to reconsider living with him if heís weird. You never know what might happen. Stay with me. Things will be good from here on out. MONICA: I gave him my deposit already. I donít want to lose the money. And even though heís weird, he couldnít possibly be as backstabbing as you. ELIZA: Oh now, I didnít deserve that. How much was the deposit? Iíll pay it. MONICA: Youíll pay two hundred pounds? ELIZA: I could pay it over timeÖ MONICA: Uh, never mind. ELIZA: Iíll pay half. MONICA: No, forget it. The phone rings. ELIZA: Hullo. Here she is. MONICA: Hello Ewan. Is everything alright?ÖYes?ÖReally?ÖDo I get my deposit back?ÖCanít you just send it in the mail?ÖWhat a botherÖBye. Monica slams down the phone. ELIZA: What happened? MONICA: His sister is moving to London and he wants the room for her instead of me. You donít know how hard Iíve looked and I want to just find a place and settle down. ELIZA: Canít you forgive me and continue living on here? I promise things will work out from now on. Besides, it would be so hard to get someone to move all the way to Dollis Hill. MONICA: I donít know. Thereís this other lady I can call. ELIZA: Whatís wrong with Ewan? He wonít mail you the deposit? MONICA: No, he wants me to go all the way back there. Heís such a jerk. Robbieís a jerk too. Men are such jerks. ELIZA: I wouldnít go that far. But I agree, Ewan and Robbie seem like jerks. You know what would be fun? MONICA: Whatís that now? ELIZA: We could go to Robbie and Ewanís flats in the dead of the nightÖor a half-hour before the tubes close. And when Ewan and Robbie are asleep, we could spray paint the outside of their flats. MONICA: Eliza, doesnít that sound like a bit much? We toilet paper houses in the States. ELIZA: No, no. There wouldnít be a lot of room to put the toilet paper. Letís vandalize them. Then the next night, weíll go to Notting Hill and find the men of our dreams. MONICA: That sounds nice, butÖ ELIZA: Letís go. Monica and Eliza spray party favors, the kind that sprays out, all over the stage in one direction, like theyíre spray painting a door. ELIZA (cont.): There you go, you buggers!!!!