Ditzy girl, Colin Firth, and Interviewer are gathered around a table. The interviewer has a pen and a pad of paper. The ditzy girl is an extreme fan of Colin Firth, who is unable to contain her excitement.
DITZY GIRL: Colin Firth, oh my gosh. Thanks for agreeing to do this interview about your work in Pride and Prejudice and in Bridget Jones. Nice to meet you. You look so cute today.
COLIN FIRTH: Uh, yes. But I'm soaked.
DITZY GIRL: You know, that's a good thing! So! Did you know that Bridget Jones was actually based on Pride and Prejudice and you were basically acting out the same role?
COLIN FIRTH: Yes, I KNEW that.
DITZY GIRL: Oh, oh my gosh, where are my questions?
INTERVIEWER: (to DITZY GIRL) I know you love Colin Firth, but we need to get this interview done. How about if I conduct the interview and you can just stare at him? You can interject anything if you want to.
DITZY GIRL: Oh ok.
INTERVIEWER: So Mr. Firth. Do you think Mr. Darcy would have been gay?
COLIN FIRTH: (somewhat surprised) No, I don't imagine so.
INTERVIEWER: How do you explain his name? Fitzwilliam!
COLIN FIRTH: I'm not quite an expert on Mr. Darcy's nature, but I think I may retract my previous statement. He COULD be gay. It's just not that obvious to me. Of course, in the Pride and Prejudice days, people did not flaunt their homosexuality.
DITZY GIRL: OK, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!!
INTERVIEWER: Alright, so you are not an expert on Mr. Darcy, Mr. Firth?
COLIN FIRTH: Well not quite.
INTERVIEWER: But you have appeared in the six volume Pride and Prejudice series as Mr. Darcy. You were Mark Darcy in the Bridget Jones Diary movie, whose character was the equivalent of Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. You are the closest thing we have to a living, breathing Mr. Darcy. Therefore we must ask you questions and you must conjecture what his response would be.
COLIN FIRTH: A few years ago, a phenomenon called Darcymania took place. Girls were crazy about Mr. Darcy from near and far. I thought that was over.
INTERVIEWER: Colin, it is over for the most part. I mean, I am not a fan of Mr. Darcy myself.
COLIN FIRTH: Good, then we are on some sort of common ground.
INTERVIEWER: Right. I don't want to throw frivolous Mr. Darcy questions at you. I want to know about the real you.
COLIN FIRTH: Wait, wait. I think there is something I need to make clear. It's not that I have an aversion to Jane Austen, but too much is too much! Besides that, I am a guy and guys don't usually like Jane Austen.
INTERVIEWER: Colin, you've got it all wrong. Tons of guys love Jane Austen. Take Winston Churchill, C. S. Lewis, or Sir Walter Scott for example. Loving Jane Austen doesn't depend on gender. But I admit, most guys don't like Jane Austen. Mark Twain didn't.
COLIN FIRTH: Mark Twain, a very fine fellow. Are you sure he had a distaste for Austen now?
INTERVIEWER: Oh yes! He said, "Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shinbone."
COLIN FIRTH: Oh you don't say!
INTERVIEWER: And Charlotte Bronte, a woman! was puzzled over her friend who liked Pride and Prejudice so much.
COLIN FIRTH: I am puzzled over those who like Pride and Prejudice so much, also.
INTERVIEWER: So now I am afraid we need to get down to the heart of the matter. How has playing all these Mr. Darcy roles affected your career?
COLIN FIRTH: Well, first of all, I have been typecast. Every time a silly romantic lead is needed, they call me. And I have to take it because no one offers me anything else. In short, playing Mr. Darcy has ruined my life! (screams) WILL SOMEBODY GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK?!
DITZY GIRL: Yes, will you star in my new play, called Jane and Colin?
COLIN FIRTH: No! No! No! No more Jane Austen, I said. Can't anyone hear a word I'm saying? No more Jane Austen cinematic adaptations and no more romantic leads in any movie! I want to be in an adventure movie and start shooting people! Bruce Willis has it easy.
Colin Firth exits. Interviewer and Ditzy Girl chase after Colin.
INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, do you have a closing statement?
DITZY GIRL: But Colin, how would you feel about playing Henry Tilney in Northanger Abbey?
Ditzy girl exits.