GWYNETH: Hello I'm Gwyneth Paltrow and I'd like to tell you about Douglas McGrath's superb cinematic adaptation of Emma, an excellent interpretation of the Jane Austen novel.
KATE: Excuse me, and I'm Kate Beckinsale. I starred in the most excellent production of Emma. I think your version of Emma was monsterously inferior!
GWYNETH: Well, I think you're jealous, because my Mr. Knightley was cuter than your Mr. Knightley.
KATE: And I think you're jealous because my Emma's adaptation was truer to the book. Yours was more Hollywood and it and it just plain sucked, Gwyneth.
GWYNETH: (to audience) She's jealous about Mr. Knightley. I knew it!
KATE: (to audience) Now, the story of Emma entails a clumsy woman.
GWYNETH: Oh Kate! I'm no where near as clumsy as you. You're right: based on the greatest amount of fumbling around like a buffoon, your version is best.
Ben Affleck enters.
BEN: Ladies, ladies...
KATE and GWYNETH: Ben Affleck!
GWYNETH: Bennie, which version of Emma did you think is the best?
BEN: Well, I don't know. I haven't seen Kate's version.
Gwyneth smirks at Kate.
BEN: (cont'd) But that's only because when I go to the video store, it's rented out.
Kate smirks back at Gwyneth.
GWYNETH: Of course he's never asked them to set the video aside for him!
KATE: Oh Bennie, but you know how well I act.
GWYNETH: But Ben, didn't you enjoy my Emma?
BEN: Girls, girls, I like you both.
GWYNETH: Which of us do you think is the best actress then?
BEN: Well, I can't say.
KATE: You can; you've worked with us both. But I understand if you don't want to hurt Gwyneth's feelings.
GWYNETH: I have an idea. Why don't we each act out a scene with Ben. Ben can be Mr. Knightley and we can each play Emma. The winner will be whoever he feels demonstrates the right combination of improvisation, dramatic ability and overall excellence. Kate, you can be first.
KATE: No, I insist Gwyneth, you be first. I don't want you to copy me directly quoting Jane Austen. Your script was rubbish and was extremely far-off from Jane's vision.
GWYNETH: I know a few, good Jane Austen quotes myself you know. I'll prove it to you.
BEN: Girls, girls. Let's just start right before she goes to Hartfield for the first time.
GWYNETH: (melodramatically) Oh Mr. Knightley, I hope I am not deficient in what is due to the guests at Hartfield. Jane Fairfax will glamorize everyone and I am afraid I shall be dull.
BEN: Emma, certainly you are in jest. You shall be splendid and I ascertain that Jane Fairfax is diffident.
GWYNETH: Diffident? What is that?
KATE: "Hesitant in acting or speaking through lack of self-confidence." How dare you speak of me that way!
BEN: (to Kate) Oh Jane Fairfax. (bows out of courtesy) How delightful to see you.
KATE: I wonder if that dashing Frank Churchill is engaged over there?
GWYNETH: Engaged, why no, why on the contrary. You must take delight in making his acquaintance. Goodbye!
Gwyneth waves at Kate and moves away from her. Ben pulls Gwyneth to the side.
BEN: I thought Frank Churchill was showing you interest. And not just a little.
GWYNETH: Oh dear yes, but I am afraid I do not love him. You may think this rather silly of me, but I believe in marrying for love. I mean, I don't think I ever will marry. I shall be the most complacent old maid. Men, who needs them?
BEN: I must take my depart to London, but yes, you enjoy being single now.
GWYNETH: Oh no, I am going insane! Mr. Knightley is gone! I have never, ever noticed this before, but I truly love his acquaintance. How I miss him when he is gone. I hope for a speedy return.
BEN: I am back.
GWYNETH: How was London?
BEN: Utterly and undeniably terrible. I was without you!
GWYNETH: Oh you missed me! I have detected that you were in love with my friend, Harriet Smith. I thought you were engaged to her possibly!
BEN: Engaged! Not to her, but I wish to be engaged to you. We must marry; what a reasonable objective.
GWYNETH: Quite reasonable. We must!
BEN: And so now we marry. We shall have the grandest wedding with flowers galore and people from all around.
KATE: Ben! No, you are ruining Jane Austen's ending. They end up having quote "a wedding just like any other wedding." Not such a grand affair!
BEN: Please excuse me, Kate. I shall remember that next time when you are Emma. We shall have a very dull and typical wedding.
KATE: No, "a wedding just like any other wedding."
KATE: (condescending) Oh Gwyneth, what an exquisite Emma you were. Charming.
BEN: Yes, and you were a great Jane Fairfax, Kate. Lovely.
KATE: Well without any further ado, let me try MY hand at being Emma.
GWYNETH: I look forward to seeing THIS.
KATE: I have an idea, Gwyneth. Why don't you be Harriet Smith this time?
GWYNETH: I would LOVE to.
Kate is now Emma and Gwyneth is now Harriet Smith.
KATE: Oh dear Mr. Knightley, I have quite the problem. I wish to read more, but I have to choose between it and having that dear Harriet Smith as a protégée. I almost refuse reading more, because that is a selfish goal.
GWYNETH: And for making me your protégée, I am truly grateful, Emma.
BEN: It may be your acquaintance with Harriet Smith that is keeping you from such a goal. I am not sure about your friendship with her, Emma.
KATE: Indeed. (casts snobby look at Harriet Smith) I am not sure either, if you are not.
GWYNETH: Were you not trying to help me in society?
KATE: I was. But I was quite taken when your engagement to Robert Martin was announced. Robert Martin, indeed! One thousand Robert Martins would not be equal to Mr. Knightley.
BEN: But you don't wish to separate Harriet and Robert? They are perfect for each other. Just see the look in Robert's eyes when he looks at Harriet. And see the look in Harriet's eyes when she looks at Robert.
GWYNETH: Oh, Robert Martin. Oh, darling Robert. Just thinking about you drives me insane! How can Emma wish to see us separated? No! Robert and I must be together.
BEN: Quite together.
KATE: Then you and I can spend more time together, right Mr. Knightley.
BEN: Right my dear.
KATE: I never realized it until now, but I am desperately in love with you Mr. Knightley.
BEN: Of course. Me too. Let's get married Emma. I've already arranged it with your father.
KATE: Let's get married right away.
BEN: And "have a wedding just like any other wedding."
GWYNETH: That will be good, for your have very little white satin. I'm sure it will be a most pitiful business!
BEN: Oh now, Gwyneth, that sounded jealous.
KATE: It was.
GWYNETH: Oh no, Bennie, it actually says that in the book.
BEN: Well whatever it says, I'm proud about that "wedding just like any other wedding" part.
KATE: Oh that was fantastic, Ben.
BEN: It almost makes me want to "have a wedding just like any other wedding."
GWYNETH: Will you stop saying that! What a jerk! I remember now why we broke up.
BEN: Just so you remember, I broke up with you. No hard feelings.
BEN: (cont'd) Well since she is gone, I guess you win by default, Kate.
KATE: Default! I don't want to win by default!
BEN: I thought Jennifer Lopez would have been the best Emma, anyway.
What Kate Beckinsale really said: "It missed the novel's point of view, as did the Gwyneth Paltrow version. Clueless' was probably better than both."