|Pride and Prejudice|
LIZZIE: I am Lizzie Bennet. May I present this version of Pride and Prejudice to you, featuring performances by my sisters: Lydia and Jane, as well as the great British actor, Colin Firth!
MR. DARCY: "A single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." Well, maybe my friend Mr. Bingley is on the search for women, but at this dance I fear there are no girls that suit me.
Lydia enters, running.
LYDIA: I wish to dance every dance tonight! There are so many fine, young men here.
LIZZIE: Oh Lydia! Do calm down.
Mr. Darcy stands at a distance from Lizzie and Lydia. Lydia and Lizzie dance. Lydia and Lizzie spin around opposite one another with their palms touching each other.
MR. DARCY: My friend Bingley is dancing every dance with Jane Bennet. Jane is the sister to those silly girls over there. Imagine that Bingley tried to set me up with Lizzie! "She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me".
Lizzie stops dancing.
LIZZIE: Mr. Darcy thinks I can't hear him, but I hear him perfectly well. I'm TOLERABLE?
Lydia jumps excitedly.
LYDIA: Lizzie! See ya later! A bunch of soldiers just came in to the dance and I intend to dance with all of them.
Lydia exits. Mr. Darcy rolls his eyes.
MR. DARCY: I am in the company of utterly silly girls. I must leave.
MR. DARCY exits.
LIZZIE: UGH! (paces madly) Why can't I find a beau around here! There's Mr. Darcy, but I can't stand him. He's rude and arrogant! And I don't even think he likes me. Then I KIND of liked Mr. Wickham, but now I find he's attracted to our youngest sister, Lydia.
JANE: I don't know what's worse, Lizzie. Not being in love at all or having your supposed betrothed leave you. Mr. Bingley led me to believe we were engaged and then he left town. I, in return, followed him to London, but he did not do so much as to even visit me!
LIZZIE: Mr. Bingley's best friend is Mr. Darcy. So it is a consolation that we don't have to be around him any longer. Some guy Mr. Darcy is, prancing around with Mr. Bingley, when he should be with you, Jane. What a bad influence he must be on Mr. Bingley. But hear me out! I, too, am single and alone.
JANE: But you've had dozens of proposals, Lizzie! Why Mr. Collins asked you to be his wife!
LIZZIE: And I am glad that his offer is no longer standing. At least I hope not. He proposed to my good friend Charlotte three days after I refused him and she accepted! Now they have been happily married and thankfully, he's forgotten all about me. At least Mr. Collins is happy. It seems Charlotte has been trying to avoid him as much as possible.
Mr. Darcy enters. Jane exits.
MR. DARCY: Oh dearest, dearest Lizzie. I implore you to marry me. You are the treasure of my heart.
LIZZIE: I beg your pardon! This is news to me! I couldn't stand you and I am abhorrently shocked to find that you would care so much as to bow out of courtesy to me in passing. No I will not marry you, you self-assuming, arrogant ... I cannot finish that sentence. It would not be appropriate for the readers of Jane Austen to hear.
JANE: Oh no! Lydia has run off with Mr. Wickham and they are living together in disgrace.
Mr. Darcy exits.
LIZZIE: Oh dear.
JANE: And here is a letter. Dearest family, Tell all of my sisters that they must be so jealous that I will be married first and I am youngest. Next time you see me I shall be, Lydia Wickham.
LIZZIE: Oh dear. Well, at least they're planning to get married.
JANE: I fear that Wickham may not be respectable and actually marry her though.
LIZZIE: Oh dear, here is a letter from that dreaded Mr. Darcy. Dear Elizabeth Bennet, I must warn you that Wickham is a very disagreeable character and through complicated situations I am not at ease to describe, I was forced to refuse him his conditional inheritance, because he did not meet the criteria. This was due in part to his rowdy behavior as a soldier. He also planned to run off with my sister Georgiana because of her inheritance and for revenge for me. Luckily, I caught them in their scheme and broke off the match in time. I can't bear to read anymore. This means Lydia will be disgraced forever.
JANE: Keep going. Darcy must mean goodwill.
LIZZIE: Next I must implore you to forgive me. It seems I was not convinced of Jane's affection for Bingley. I convinced him to depart for London, so he could recover from Jane's indifference to him.
JANE: Oh no!
LIZZIE: Please don't think me evil in doing so. I was not sure he should be connected with your family. But I am having second thoughts, now that I am in love with you. Please beg Jane to forgive me, as I hope to make restoration by bringing Bingley to Jane shortly. Signed, Darcy. How could he have persuaded Bingley from you in the first place?
JANE: I forgive him. He is in the process of making amends.
LIZZIE: How could you forgive him, oh!
Jane exits as Lydia enters.
LIZZIE: (cont'd) What a man prone to making dreadful mistakes.
LYDIA: Ha, ha, I am Mrs. Wickham. Father decided that we should marry ASAP and that Uncle should take care of the details, because we were all in London together. So we were married in London. Small weddings are such fun.
LIZZIE: Oh dearest, what great anguish you caused us! We were so worried!
LYDIA: I am married and you are jealous. Let's see, you didn't even attend the wedding. It was quite dramatic, because Wickham almost didn't make it on time. I said, No matter, Mr. Darcy is here and he will do as well.
LIZZIE: MR. DARCY WAS THERE!?
LYDIA: Why, yes.
LYDIA: Another one of my secrets! Ta, ta, Wickham is waiting.
Lydia exits, Mr. Darcy enters.
MR. DARCY: Good afternoon, Elizabeth. How good the weather looks today.
LIZZIE: Spare all things trivial. What were you doing at Lydia's wedding?
MR. DARCY: May I take you aside? And may I beg you not to tell your family?
MR. DARCY: It seemed as if Lydia and Wickham would not be able to marry because of finances, so I gave Wickham some cash to tempt him into marrying Lydia. I did this for you Lizzie, so your family would not be disgraced and ruined.
Mr. Darcy gets down on both knees.
MR. DARCY: (cont'd) Will you marry me now that you know of my love, my great true love?
JANE: Oh Lizzie, oh Darcy. Guess what?
MR. DARCY: I can only be all too certain your excitement has to do with Bingley?
JANE: Bingley, oh yes! We are to be married.
LIZZIE: No way! Darcy and I are to be married too.
JANE: Darcy? I thought you hated his guts!
LIZZIE: No, I was only mistaken about him. When I met him, I became prejudiced against him because of his exorbitant pride. Excuse me, darling.
MR. DARCY: Yes, excused. My pride has since fallen. And your prejudice has turned into acceptance.
JANE: But what will Mama say? You told her of your intense dislike of Darcy.
LIZZIE: You know Mama. She won't care all too much, because Mr. Darcy is rich. And he was responsible for getting Lydia married properly and for your getting back with Bingley. I believe we must be the happiest family in all of England.
JANE: I am so happy! Let's have a double wedding.
LIZZIE, MR. DARCY, and JANE: THE END!
MR. DARCY: What dearest? Are you not happy?
LIZZIE: Yes. I am not happy with the script. Something essential is missing.
JANE: Something essential?
LIZZIE: (with rampant enthusiasm) Why the Mr. Darcy LAKE SCENE OF COURSE!!
JANE: Oh, but that was not in the book.
LIZZIE: I INSIST! (stomps foot) I will not leave the stage until Mr. Darcy jumps in a lake.
MR. DARCY: Dearest Lizzie, must I seriously jump in the lake?
LIZZIE: You must prove your love to me. Do you not love me, Mr. Darcy? Jump in the lake! Jump in the lake!
JANE and LIZZIE: Jump in the lake! Jump in the lake!
MR. DARCY: By all means, I cannot. And I must note that while for hundreds of years Jane Austen scholars have proclaimed Lydia Bennet the silliest Bennet sister, I have to say that I do believe the silliest Bennet sister is Lizzie, by far. I refuse to jump in the lake. What if I drown myself?
Lizzie starts to cry.
JANE: Oh, dear Lizzie. It'll be all right.
MR. DARCY: My dearest love cries and yet I cannot bring myself to go for a swim in that nasty lake.
Jane pushes Darcy as Lizzie throws a cup of water in Darcy's face.
MR. DARCY: AHH! No! I am soaked. From head to toe! Excuse me!
JANE: The impropriety!
LIZZIE: I am shocked! Darcy, I thought you were a modest man.
MR. DARCY: I jump in the lake like she begs me to and she reproaches me for immodesty! I give up. Aha, but now I have an interview, so I hope the lovely interviewers will excuse me. I am soaked!
Mr. Darcy remains onstage.
Continue to the Darcy Interview