Captain Wentworth is center stage.
CAPTAIN WENTWORTH: "A single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." How true that is. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Wentworth. I was engaged to a girl named Anne. She was nothing to look at and likewise, I was poor. Anne broke up with me, because I was not rich. Eight years later I have fortune and she wants me back, even though SHE is still ugly! Oh, the pain of these last eight years. I thought of her every day with intense longing and sadness, because we could not be together. Somehow I managed to pull through my despair and see her now as the silly, unattractive girl she is! My heart is now set on a girl so much more admirable, and she is in need of both my love and fortune. She is very sincere, unlike Anne. Her name: Elizabeth Bennet.
Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth enter. Elizabeth keeps her distance from Mr. Darcy.
MR. DARCY: How dare you try to steal Elizabeth Bennet from me, Wentworth. She is mine!
ELIZABETH: Darcy, how many times do I have to tell you? I don't care for you after how you have snubbed me. My first impression led me to believe you were a scoundrel, and a scoundrel you remain to me. I love Captain Wentworth. He is about as rich as you, but he is so much more delightful! (softly) And oh I would not abandon him (loudly) LIKE ANNE DID!
MR. DARCY: I challenge you to a duel, Wentworth.
CAPTAIN WENTWORTH: I am not a fighting man, Darcy.
Mr. Darcy lunges at Wentworth with a sword and kills him, before he can react.
ELIZABETH: Oh no! You have killed my one true love! May Captain Wentworth rest in peace!
Elizabeth does the sign of the cross. Wentworth jumps up from playing dead and is now Edmund.
EDMUND: Allow me to introduce myself, Elizabeth. I'm Edmund Bertram. I am in the middle of a nasty predicament. You see, Jane Austen wants me to marry my cousin, Fanny Price! This cannot be. Will you be mine instead? You, Elizabeth Bennet are the quintessential heroine. You have the looks, the smarts, the stubbornness, and the will to love. Please devote yourself to me! I am disgusted that the woman who prefers me is my cousin.
Mr. Darcy is now Edward Ferrars.
EDWARD: No Elizabeth, you must choose me. I, Edward Ferrars, am engaged to Lucy Steele. But I will break off my engagement against Jane Austen's wishes that I act properly. I want to be at your side forever. Please! If I do not have you, Elizabeth, Lucy will not have me and I may be forced to marry Elinor Dashwood!
Edmund is now Henry Tilney.
HENRY: Come! Come! You must marry me, Henry Tilney! What better place is there to live than in the quiet countryside of England, where nothing is there to harm you except (raises voice & makes it sound spooky) AN OCCASIONAL GHOST OR A MURDERING FATHER-IN-LAW!
Edward Ferrars is now Knightley.
KNIGHTLEY: Elizabeth, I am ashamed of you for refusing Darcy so coolly.
ELIZABETH: Oh Knightley, I am sorry.
KNIGHTLEY: If you have accepted him like you were supposed to, Wentworth would have lived and not died. I am ashamed of your behavior, yet I see your willingness to behave well. I shall forgive you, because oh Lizzie, it is you who I desire. Please be Mrs. Knightley!
ELIZABETH: But what about Emma?
KNIGHTLEY: Oh, Emma. Bad Emma! She has always expressed her desire to remain an old maid. Our age differences are tremendous, anyhow.
ELIZABETH: Then, Knightley, it is you who I will cherish forever. Oh Knightley!
Knightley grabs Elizabeth by the hand so she can't escape and laughs an evil laugh. Knightley is really Mr. Darcy.
MR. DARCY: I am truly Darcy, the murderer of your beloved Wentworth. You must be mine. Elizabeth... DARCY!!
ELIZABETH: Oh no, it cannot be so! I would rather marry Edmund Bertram or Henry Tilney or Edward Ferrars, but not you, Mr. FITZwilliam Darcy. I would rather slay myself.
Elizabeth picks up the sword Darcy killed Wentworth with and kills herself.
Mr. Darcy bends down on his knees and begins to mourn. Fanny enters.
MR. DARCY: (crying) Lizzie! (sobbing) Elizabeth... Bennet!
FANNY: Dearest Darcy, do not be so anguished. Elizabeth Bennet has killed herself, but be cheery. I am Fanny Price of Mansfield Park. I will be your love and keep you happy for the rest of your days.
MR. DARCY: Fanny! I have never noticed how charming, how exquisite you were! It is only unfortunate you did not appear before Elizabeth Bennet killed herself. Oh well, it is no matter! But oh darling, to be together we would have to change the ending to Jane Austen's most beloved novel, Pride and Prejudice. But for true love, sacrifices must be made. Oh dearest Fanny, let us marry and have a "wedding like any other wedding."
ELIZABETH: Wait, this is a plastic sword. Fanny Price? I thought you were engaged to your cousin.
FANNY: I... I...
ELIZABETH: You fake. You unreasonable woman!
MR. DARCY: This is exceedingly tough. How can I choose between the lovely Fanny Price and the wonderful Elizabeth Bennet? Wait, Elizabeth Bennet doesn't care for me!
Mr. Darcy cries.
ELIZABETH: (touched) I have never seen Mr. Darcy act this way. So he can be sensitive! He is not always tough and ill-tempered. I saw him once and didn't care for him. After that, I was prejudiced and refused to see his inner beauty. Oh, Mr. Darcy, I was wrong. Can you ever forgive me? I wish to be married.
MR. DARCY: To what person?
Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy embrace.
MR. DARCY: Jane Austen gets her happy ending after all! Our story is immortalized in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. Yes, me, that is Mr. Darcy, and Elizabeth wed and lived happily ever after.