Pretty Faces

FADE IN: EXT. SMALL COZY HOME Sunny sky on a warm day. CHAD (V.O.) I've been happily married to Mollie for 40 years. I've never looked at another woman, because she has kept me perfectly happy. She's not the prettiest girl, but believe me... beauty is only skin deep; pretty faces deceive. INT. OFFICE -- DAY Tiffany looks at schedule on desk while talking on phone. CHAD (V.O.) I was a janitor and she was a successful business-woman. I thought if I went to college at night, maybe I could earn a degree and work beside her. Cut to: Chad imagines he is talking to Tiffany. CHAD So Tiffany, you look as attractive as our price-lining strategy. TIFFANY Oh how sweet. CHAD (V.O.) But I couldn't get into any college, because I dropped out of high school and got low ACT scores. Chad is shown by his mailbox with fresh ACT results. An attached letter has in information in big print: "Bottom 1% percentile" CHAD (V.O.) So I was nice to her friend Marilyn, so maybe I could get on her good side. cut to: CHAD Have a nice day Marilyn. Marilyn continues talking on phone. INT. OFFICE BREAK ROOM -- NOON MARILYN Guys are such jerks. I spilled coffee all over Bryan's shirt and I thought he was going to the bathroom to clean up and he left me there alone with the bill. TIFFANY Well what are you looking for in a guy? MARILYN He has to be sensitive. TIFFANY Aw... MARILYN He has to have a sense of humor. Tiffany nods MARILYN (cont.) Have lots of money. TIFFANY What about a nerdy scientist? MARILYN No, no, he has to be cute. TIFFANY What if he were perfect in every other way? MARILYN No I couldn't live with someone who was ugly. So how about you... dating anyone? TIFFANY No, I can't seem to find the right guy. MARILYN For goodness sakes, date all the guys you can. Then surely you'll find the right person. TIFFANY No, I know this sounds crazy, but I think I'll know the right guy when I meet him. INT. BAR -- EARLY EVENING Bobby holds a cold beer in his hands, while Chad has an empty mug. They are at a booth. BOBBY You really like her. CHAD Yeah, but I have no money. I'm not smart like her. I'm ugly. BOBBY Yeah, but you're funny. I bet you could convince her to like you after just one date. CHAD But how do I get her to go out with me? BOBBY You should get some gigs at some clubs around town telling jokes. Maybe you could be a famous comedian and she wouldn't be able to resist you. Chad is taking out the trash from under Tiffany's desk. Chad sees Tiffany's schedule says "Amateur Night @ Ronnie's 8 PM". A look in his eyes insinuates that he decides to do a stand-up there. INT. RONNIE'S -- NIGHT Chad is faced across from the talent coordinator, separated by a wooden podium. TALENT COORDINATOR (gruff, but not mean) We're all booked tonight. Try next Tuesday. You gotta get here early. CHAD Could you put me on a waiting list? WENDY Hey, you can take my slot. My duet partner didn't show up. CHAD Thanks! TALENT COORDINATOR So you sing? CHAD Actually, no. I tell jokes. TALENT COORDINATOR Well that's good. It seems we have a lot of singers here tonight. cut to Jennifer sings: "I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a goddess on my knees" [Chad looks at his watch cut to Tiffany in blue sequin dress] TIFFANY (sings) Where does my heart beat now Tiffany misses high notes. Chad cringes. Then it's his turn. He tells a couple jokes. Immense laughter, applause. TIFFANY (to Marilyn) Who is that? cut to: TALENT COORDINATOR You were great. Who are you? CHAD Chad Buck. TALENT COORDINATOR Let's see if you're this good for another time. Come back this Friday and we'll give you a one hour spot at eight. If you sell drinks, we'll pay you 40 bucks. CHAD I'll do my best. I'll work on some new material. He looks for Tiffany and catches her on the way out. CHAD Hey, hey, Why are you crying? TIFFANY (smiles a little through tears) Oh hi. Oh gosh, I was terrible. CHAD No, you weren't. Why do you say that? TIFFANY (choked up) I was off. CHAD Off? TIFFANY Off key. CHAD I didn't even notice. I was looking at your dress. Tiffany begins to really clear up. TIFFANY Well you were great. CHAD Oh thanks. Did you really like me? TIFFANY Of course, you're funny. CHAD Here's my phone number in case you ever get lonely or something. He scribbles it with a pen on a Ronnie's cocktail napkin. Tiffany tears the unwritten part off. TIFFANY Great here's mine. She writes her phone number. CHAD I'll call you! [he yells as he walks off] INT. RONNIE'S -- NIGHT Chad tells joke as more people swarm in. Chad tells another joke. Then it is the end of the night and Talent Coordinator pays forty dollars to Chad. TALENT COORDINATOR So next Friday night? CHAD Sure. TALENT COORDINATOR You did good kid. INT. CHAD AND BOBBY'S APT. -- DAY Chad and Bobby are watching TV, while eating popcorn. Phone rings. CHAD Turn the TV down. Maybe it's Tiffany. Chad answers the phone. AMY MARLOW (filter) Is this Chad Buck? CHAD Yeah, who is this? AMY MARLOW (filter) Amy Marlow from the Coast Star Newspaper. Would you mind setting up a time we could interview. We're always interested in writing about local talent. cut to: AMY MARLOW You're a janitor? CHAD Only during the day. AMY MARLOW I would recommend that you try out for television gigs and commercials so your career can really take off. But right now I'm sorry. I won't be able to run a whole entire story on you, because I need more to go on. We can however, spotlight your show in the weekend section, where we recommend quality shows for our audience. cut to: Chad looks at paper and spies an ads that reads "TV Audition -- MUST BE FUNNY!" INT. OFFICE -- MORNING Larry Wilson and George Conners both in their forties are having a private meeting. LARRY Hey George. GEORGE Hey Larry, look: Business has been slow lately and I have the same tired acts. Do you have any one fresh? LARRY I'm holding auditions today for the commercial. You can talk to anyone you like. INT. AUDITION ROOM -- DAY CHAD Eat Dorritos chips, because they're good for you. Wait, hold it, it's (pretends to panic) LAYS, Lays. Lays are not only good for you, but I'm fired. I know we're on live TV, but the audience is smart. They know we're really endorsing Lays, and NOT Dorritos, right? LARRY Alright, kid. That's it. CHAD (tense) OK. LARRY What do you think George? GEORGE I'll try him. Hey kid, how would you like to do a spot at Franco's, downtown? CHAD I thought this was an audition for a TV commercial. That's why I came up with the Dorritos script. LARRY You're good, but we actually already found the guy for the part. He's had more experience. However, George was looking for some new talent for his club. CHAD Well I'm up to that sort of thing. I've been gigging at Ronnie's for about a month now. GEORGE See you Saturday at Franco's. Wear a tux. Our customers are a little more upscale than Ronnie's. CHAD So how much do you pay? GEORGE Ten bucks an hour. It's a two hour slot. You're lucky. CHAD They pay me 40 bucks down at Ronnie's for just an hour and I don't have to wear a tux. GEORGE So you don't want the gig? CHAD Yes, I do. I was just negotiating. GEORGE Maybe your manager can give me a call if you want to negotiate. INT. RONNIE'S -- NIGHT CHAD tells last joke and spots TIFFANY. Chad sits next to TIFFANY. TIFFANY I'm a fan. CHAD Of who, me? TIFFANY Yeah. CHAD So I hope you liked my jokes. Hey, you never called me. TIFFANY You never called me. I thought I would call you and you would forget who I was. CHAD I was going to call you, but I've been busy working at Ronnie's every Friday, plus trying to get more comedy work, so I can quit my day job. TIFFANY What is your day job? CHAD Oh my gosh! I almost forgot. I have a gig tomorrow night at Franco's. They want me to wear a tux. TIFFANY Cool. CHAD Do you want to help me pick one out tomorrow? I have no idea where to start. INT. TUX STORE -- DAY CHAD This one's cool. Chad holds up a bright suit. TIFFANY No, no, no, no. You want something a little more subtle. CHAD Something drab and gray. TIFFANY Well... Chad holds up a no-frills suit. CHAD $100 a night for this suit? It looks plain. TIFFANY It's a whole lot cheaper than buying a suit if you're only going to wear it once. CHAD But I'm not going to wear it once. I'm going to perform every Saturday at Franco's from now on. But that's just it. I can't. TIFFANY Why not? CHAD Because I'm only getting paid $20 and the rental is $100. I tried to negotiate, but they said my "manager" would have to, if I wanted a shot at getting paid anything higher. Everything's getting out of control so fast. TIFFANY You do need a manager. CHAD That way I can get more gigs. They can work on getting me work, while I concentrate on being creative. TIFFANY (confused) No, actually that's more like the work of an agent. Managers are there to make sure everything runs smoothly. CHAD Well that sounds like a rip. Anyone could be my manager. TIFFANY No, you need to pick out someone with a smart business mind to make sure your career doesn't get into any trouble. CHAD You're a smart business-woman. Maybe you could be my manager. TIFFANY My area of expertise is actually marketing. CHAD Oh well, it never hurt to ask. TIFFANY (pauses) Oh my gosh! CHAD What? TIFFANY I could market you. In college, my professors were always talking about how personalities and celebrities were like a product too, and they were created to have an image that would be appealing to the market. I could help you with that. CHAD That's good, because my career is really starting to take off and I don't know if I'll get anywhere if I don't have someone to help me with the business side of things. So would you be interested in being my manager? Could you call up Larry at Franco's and do some negotiating?